Day 36

I dreamed that I had to clear a path to a trio of trees in the distance. As I hoed and pulled clumps of weeds, the trees seemed to move toward me. I didn’t feel moving forward yet I was closer every time I looked up. I kept busily working on the task, feeling good about clearing the way. When I arrived, there were fewer weeds to clear than appeared from the start of the long path.

Day 35

My father loved words. He had a poet’s soul and made words important. He brought a new word to the dinner table and if my brother and I didn’t know it, we were excused from the table until we looked it up and used it in a sentence. Sounds harsh but it inspired both of us to pursue new vocabulary. My father would have enjoyed the J Street Journals yesterday when we wrote about our favorite words.

Day 34

I worked hard at physical therapy yesterday and am feeling the results this morning. I have muscles and they are waking up to their usefulness. I want my Tigger bounce back and this is the way through the long period of inactivity. I want the spring in my walking that shows in my posture and on my face. I make every move count. I make the walk to and from therapy count. This is my ticket forward.

Day 33

Yesterday the storm was beating with wind and rain torrents. It was three o’clock and I missed Minnie doing her dinner dance. I looked everywhere in the house and went outside. The side gate was open. Not in Chris’ yard, so I went to John’s yard. There she was soaked and muddy huddled up by the fence between our yards. She leaped into my arms, shivering and cold. Minnie was subdued for the rest of the day.

PS

I went through the same emotions with Minnie’s misadventure that I did many years ago when my two year old daughter wandered away in a camp ground when I turned my back for a minute to fill a pail with water from a pump. That awful empty space where the child was supposed to be can still freeze my blood. After the initial panic and yelling for her, people came from other campsites to join in the search. She had wandered several yards into the forest and was calmly walking along picking up pine cones and tunelessly singing her version of This Old Man. After the incredible relief came the self-recriminations. How could I let my baby go off by herself. I could not let her out of my sight for the rest of the campout.

Day 32

Wild storm. The gale began about midnight and is still going on. It shrieks and moans. I hear things moving outside and hitting the house. I’m sure the yard is full of leaves and branches. Hollie will have to be careful driving to work. The road will be slick with redwood needles. March is gearing up to go out like a lion. The good news: no loss of electricity so I don’t have to reset four clocks.

Day 31

Megan is grieving the loss of a long time friend due to political differences. It is happening over religion too. It’s like a civil war is brewing. I have surface conversations with those I know have beliefs that differ from mine. It feels like our core values are in different languages with no decoder ring to find a common ground. I’m not sure that keeping a relationship going by staying on safe ground is honest and worthwhile.

Day 30

Another damp gray day. I get to water the orchids and enjoy their growth and color. Of the eleven with buds, three are in bloom. I stare into their beautiful faces. I’m glad that I have taken in the orphan plants that the original owners gave up on. No secret methods, only doing what I know how to do and so far it’s working very well. I examine each of them every day for signs of newness.

Day 29

I went to the volunteer lunch yesterday. It is an opportunity to see people that I don’t often get to see. I sat with Carolyn, one of my favorite people. She is a bustling 83 year old that was recently named Warrior Spirit for her support of high school sports. She talks as positively and briskly as she does everything, including her up-to-date knowledge of the community. I want to be an enthusiastic and engaged woman again.

Day 28

Chris and Carol mentioned how persistent I’ve been in pursuit of wellness. In the night I realized that a deep basic instinct has known all along that my body did not betray me, that the cause was outside. Now that I do have a say in the process, I am working to regain what parts are able to get on with living. This is my last chance to have enough energy, I’m not ready to give up.

Day 27

Yesterday Eileen and I talked about the Law of Attraction. She told a cautionary tale about her friend who kept envisioning coming home from work and finding her alcoholic husband in a pool of blood at the bottom of the stairs. And she did find that exact event.  The conversation was another reminder to monitor thoughts for unintended consequences. Thoughts are potent things. It was a timely reminder to look for positives and blow out the negatives.

Day 26

Rainy day, again. When I come home from PT and get a soak in the hot tub, I will go sit in the gallery window and write in my journal. Since the story in the senior news, I get a lot of waves and horn honks. I guess people read the paper. Today I will write a long version of the prompt about a childhood photograph. It brings up memories of long ago days. Good and bad.

Day 25

I keep Paula’s gift of collage material on the table. I covered it up with  papers so I wouldn’t feel sad about not pursuing a project. I know I’m better if I want to look again at her bold and colorful work. Or is that play. The physical therapy totally exhausts me. Points out that when the beginning is 0, there is a long way to go toward fitness. I need to come home, nest, and nap.

Day 24

Monday, Monday, I’m ready for a new week, a new attitude, a new something. As I get stronger and have energy, I want my body to keep up with my mind. It has lagged behind for a long time. It is frustrating to want to do with nothing to do it with. Must be time to get the art stuff out and put it all over the kitchen table until I can’t resist putting color on paper.

Day 23

The floor exercises add a playful note to the conditioning project. Dachshunds don’t see much of people’s heads. They are familiar with feet and ankles. When I get on the mat to do the ball exercises, they go crazy, snuffling in my hair and face. Even my ears get attention as they beat me with their tails in happiness. When the frenzy is over I can get on with the ab/back strengthening. Laughing is good exercise too.

PS

As I become acquainted with my body again, I am full of gratitude and appreciation for it. After all this time of low functioning, my body is ready and willing to work hard and become effective. A true statement I can make about my body right now is that it is a complex synthesis of cells that each exist alone and in cooperation with millions of others that are each designed to give life to the whole entity called ME. I am in awe of how the sperm and egg meet and this diverse body comes from these simple cells. The fact that I can think these thoughts and write these words is a tribute to the brain cells that spark and click and send electricity to all the right places. I am grateful to the Life Force, the Universal Spirit that activates, animates, and motivates my good intentions. Without that I am worth about 50 cents worth of minerals. I am connected, a part of a tapestry, not a single separate thread.

Day 22

Yesterday was stormy and cold. I curled up with two dogs and my fuzzy blanket and watched the BBC Tudor marathon all the way until Henry died. That ate up most of the day and the rest felt necessary. Today I am ready to tackle the errands and shopping that are also necessary. A day off once in a while works wonders for mind, body, and spirit. A day without a product was once an unknown event.

Day 21

I shared the experience of Kim’s poor condition with CJ folks. I felt encouraged by their responses that getting a power of attorney for his health care is necessary. I don’t want to be responsible for his care. I’m tired of being responsible. That is the role I took on young and it has been misused because I want my family to have what they need. Mother’s care was hard and now I’ll take care of Kim.

Day 20

The physical therapy is as hard as it is supposed to be. My abs and low back are the weakest part of my body. I was winded and had frequent rest stops along the way. I like my guide, John. He propels me along in the series of conditioning exercises and encourages me to do more at home. I admit that I came home, curled up and slept for a bit. That’s good. I am moving again.

Day 19

Dr. E. confirmed that the use of beta blocker eye drops began in 2005 and that is when the symptoms arose. Seven years of low physical life because of one drop in one eye. It is still unbelievable to me that all the docs and tests and no one picked it up until three weeks ago. I was stuck in tubes, shot full of stuff that glows in the dark, sent hither and yon with no diagnosis

Day 18

Megan sent me a tutorial for blogging from her new computer. I’m hoping to get it and not struggle with my lists of steps that don’t work. My daily  writing is a beneficial habit and discipline. It’s only new in that I am saving it in a different place and have the option of adding photos. Often I write reminders of what I want to accomplish and a comment about how it worked out or not.

Day 17

The April column is written and sent in early. I wrote about container gardening and added a picture of my chard pot still providing fresh green leaves a year after I planted them from starts I bought at the farmers market. Lettuce, radishes, green onions, herbs, and tomatoes have thrived here too. Megan reminded me of the CSA farms. Getting the Friday basket of produce is the highlight of the season. I enjoy the local organic vegetables.

Day 16

Holllie’s 55^th birthday. We both have double digits! Last year the tsunami hit, this year, it’s a time change. I was sick last year. When Chris called to ask if I wanted to evacuate with them, I said I would rather float away in my bed than get up. Wasn’t an event except for the wiped out harbor. Hollie’s birthday brings up memories of her birth when I was home alone. Now, that was an wonderful event.

Day 15

I looked at the CD choices at Fred Myer yesterday and was dazzled by all the names and titles I didn’t recognize. It is a small selection that seems to cater to the younger listeners. I spotted Adele and remembered that Sarah said I would like her. I do. Guess I had better listen to the current music on the radio instead of public radio so I can keep my promise to stay up with the times.

Day 14

Chris gave me another lesson on blogging. I wrote down the steps and confided that I would probably need more help. Although technology is a struggle I am not willing to say Oh Well, leave it to younger people. I have to keep pushing the comfort zone so the sides of the rut don’t become the sides of a physical and mental coffin. I see many people my age who are rock solid set in old patterns.

Day 13

The therapist said my good use of body mechanics and motivation to improve are going to assure recovery of endurance and strength. We set a goal. I want to be able to hold Yoga Tree Pose. That will require balance, posture, and core strength, the areas I most need to own again. I worked hard and the aches are a sign of progress. I’m looking forward to the next sessions and what I can do here too.

PS

I might get healthy and that would allow some further explrations in the world or at least in the community. I have a part that is itching to come out. It feels like a creative urge – what form that might take, I don’t know yet. Some silence and rest from routine are on my agenda for healing and regrouping. Then I can get busy finding new modes of expression. I wish I could dance. I know my body would like to move rhythmically. I’m hoping to get back to Yoga. I love how it feels to hold a pose. It changes my mind and clears away static. It’s been a long time since I enjoyed my body and I hope I can become lively and animated again.

Day 12

Today I begin physical therapy at the behest of my doctor. She

believes I can regain strength and endurance with this guidance. I’m afraid I won’t. It’s been three weeks now since I quit the beta blocker drops and haven’t noticed improvement. And I will give it my best shot. It wasn’t long ago that a guy stopped his car and hollered, “Are you walking or dancing?” Ah, I want that back. I want Yoga back too.

Day 11

Yesterday I repaired the cover on the bedroom heater, replaced the toilet seat in the guest house, and went up the rickety ladder to remove weeds from the gutters. I had put off these chores hoping for a house elf or other helper to appear. Zounds, nobody arrived and the chores still had to be done. Single women get to be handy with tools, with trial and error learning, and with figuring out how things work.

PS

Darlene mentioned that she had a dream in which I was a character. I asked her what I represented to her. She said she admired my independence. I thought about that for a long time.

It is true that I am not controlled by another person. Most of my opinions and decisions are generated on my own. Some are better than others and the consequences are all mine. I do ask advice and opinion from time to time especially about issues that are outside of my experience. I like information and operate more efficiently when I have done my homework. I ask a lot of questions. I ask until I am satisfied that I know what’s going on. So I am not completely free of reliance on others.

Independence can also mean separation. I know that I protect the separation in many ways that are throwbacks to childhood behaviors. I was a shy frail child who was often the new kid. I had no training in social skills at home and did not have a clue how to get acquainted. I waited for the invitation to come from others. I called myself a wallpaper child. Often when I did interact it was to be a permanent turner of the jump rope. I didn’t play games, didn’t know how to ask for help. Lots of my schooling was self taught for the same reasons. I did not want to call attention to myself for fear that others would find out that I didn’t know anything. I still don’t play games. Although I have been invited to learn bridge or pinocle or even scrabble or cribbage, I won’t take the chance of being ignorant and uncomfortable. I don’t know how to ask for help or express a need.

I remember the first time I traveled alone. I had a great lift of freedom and repeated it often by taking risks on workshops and seminars that drew my interest. I wanted to know how I became who I am so I attended many journaling groups including several summers with Ira Progoff. Writing opened the lid on memories and helped me find the triggers and the sources  of old beliefs.

The history of my relationships is also an example of waiting to be chosen rather than choosing. I had no defenses or strategies for sorting out the attentions of men. If a man chose me then I had to settle for it and try to conform to his expectations. That was bound to fail and did, over and over again until I made a conscious decision to remain free of the temptation to jump in just because I was lonely or tired of being the responsible person.

And then there are the simple daily tasks that it would comforting to share. I just braved the pouring rain to take out the garbage. Looking next door I see Jon and down the street Barry is out with the same task. When I’m pulling weeds, I talk to the dogs. It would be pleasant to share the household tasks and decisions with a partner. When I undertake something big and expensive like the poured foundation I have the feeling that I’m being ripped off because I didn’t ask enough questions. I rely on the honesty of others and this has been misplaced. My self sufficiency is a myth that I allow to stand.

So, Darlene, knowing this about me now, do you still want the kind of independence that I have? You have something I will never know, a stable compatible partnership where the sharing of dreams in the morning, dancing in the kitchen, sharing the driving on a long trip, visiting families, and holding each others needs is part of your daily life. Maybe next life I will know how to share my needs instead of living with the withholds that contain my fear and keep me separate.

Day Ten

Finished distributing Senior News to the last four places on a long beautiful walk yesterday. I enjoyed having my story/photograph about the dogs and Julie on the front page. Already heard fun stories about dogs she has placed successfully. Everybody has a special niche in the world and she certainly found hers. I’ve noticed that people seem to have a specialty talent that fits into the fabric. The April column has already written itself in my head.

Day Nine

Postcard perfect day. The harbor sparkling in the sunlight while the sea lions basked, on their backs, flippers in the air. Others pushing each other off their float, barking, crawling over each other with their huge rippling bodies. People smiling and enjoying the show, pointing at the antics to be sure their friends saw too. Shiny bodies, heads pointed to the sky as if praising the sunshine. Hollie and I enjoyed the A-One fish and chips together.

Day Eight

Once a year I take my prayer beads apart and restring them. I changed two, added one. I can sit still if I have something to do with my hands. I hold each carefully chosen bead and focus on who or what the symbol is for. When I felt the wooden chalice that symbolizes gratitude, I felt big hot tears down my face. I am the sum of my choices and I live a full, balanced life.

Day Seven

Day Seven

Wednesday I was sitting at the gallery with Eileen and talking about changes and loss. Her good friends are leaving the neighborhood and she is feeling it. A support system and mutual aid that is necessary in their area will be gone. We talked about losing family members, animals, lifestyles, big changes that showed our wounds and the remaining scars from healing. Then I opened my journal and read Kay R.’s prompts for the week. I responded.

PS, an excerpt from a long writing.

I lost my job. My safe place where I was able, confident, and accepted. I was deeply depressed for about six months, physically and emotionally in pain. The injury to my spine was the easiest part to deal with. It was the isolation, rejection, loss of role and identity, and sense of belonging that hurt the most. One morning I woke up and said, If I’m going to keep waking up, then I need to do a better job of it. That day everything changed. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I now had the time and opportunity to explore the possibilities for new experiences, new uses of my skills as well as new skills, new people. A whole new look at my community. Since then I have become a whole new person. I know about business, politics, people my age who have had the same presidents, people who can talk about topics not related to their work lives. I have a whole new view of who I am and what I can do. Who thought I’d be writing for the public? My columns have readers that like what I have to say about aging well. So, the loss of the job opened the door to another career. I’m still teaching, just different subjects to different students. Life is not over because of loss. It is just different. It is work, major work that requires deep upheavals, churning from the heart. Old aspirations and interests surface and demand attention. The new job comes with a permission slip and an artistic license to get on with self development. I thought I was a teacher and now I know I am so much more than a role.

Day Six

New month journal ritual – first name the month – Confidence. That’s what I want to manifest in March. Confidence that I can get healthy, exercise, take care of my well-being. I found words in an Oprah magazine: pep, zing, oomph, excitement etc. Guide words and affirmations. Then, light a candle and lay out a five card Tarot spread. The message: rest, withdraw from routine, choose from heart rather than head. So, my March map is  processing for progress.