Day 320

Dark wet cold noisy morning. I’ll take the car when I go to the gallery. I don’t mind getting wet on the way home but I don’t want to sit in wet clothes. I felt there were positive connections yesterday. I like being recognized. Let’s me feel visible and included. Connections are important. It is too easy for me to fall into old habits of standing in the background. I had years of practice at being invisible.

PS

          Darlene mentioned that she had a dream in which I was a character. I asked her what I represented to her. She said she admired my independence. I thought about that for a long time.

          It is true that I am not controlled by another person. Most of my opinions and decisions are generated by my own self. Some are better than others and the consequences are also all mine. I do ask advice and opinion from time to time especially about issues that are outside of my experience. I like information and operate more efficiently when I have done my homework. I ask a lot of questions. I ask until I am satisfied that I know what’s going on. So I am not completely free from reliance on others.

          Independence can also mean separate and not connected. I know that I protect the separation in many ways that are throwbacks to childhood behaviors. I was a shy frail child who was often the new kid having attended twelve schools in four states by the fourth grade. I had no training in social skills at home and did not have a clue how to get acquainted. I waited for the invitation to come from others. I call myself a wallpaper child. Often when I did interact it was to be a permanent turner of the jump rope. I didn’t play games, didn’t know how to ask for help. What I did know came from watching and emulating others. Lots of my schooling was self taught for the same reasons. I did not want to call attention to myself for fear that others would find out that I didn’t know anything. I still don’t play games. Although I have been invited to learn bridge or pinocle or scrabble or cribbage, I won’t take the chance of being ignorant and uncomfortable. I still don’t know how to ask for help or express a need.

          I remember the first time I traveled alone. I had a great lift of freedom and repeated it often by taking risks on workshops and seminars that drew my interest. I wanted to know how I became who I am so I attended my journaling groups including several summers with Ira Progroff. Writing opened the lid on memories and helped me find the triggers and the sources of old beliefs. I spent time in therapy to decipher the myth from my story.

          The history of my relationships is also an example of waiting to be chosen rather than choosing. I had no defenses or strategies for sorting out the attentions of men. If a man chose me than I had to settle for it and try to conform to his expectations. That was bound to fail and did, over and over again until I made a conscious decision to remain free of the temptation to jump in just because I was lonely or tired of being the responsible person.

Beginning early in life and because of this history, I know that I have never allowed myself to trust that anyone, especially a man, would take care of me. This belief that I’m in this life alone, has shown itself to the outside world as independence.

          And then there are the simple daily tasks that it would be comforting share. I just braved the pouring rain to take out the garbage. Looking next door I see Jon and down the street Barry is out with the same task while their wives are dry and warm inside. When I’m out pulling weeks I talk to the dogs. It would be pleasant to share the household tasks and decisions with a partner. When I undertake something big and expensive like the poured foundation, I have the feeling that I’m being ripped off because I didn’t ask enough questions. I rely on the honesty of others and this has been misplaced trust. My self sufficiency is a myth that I allow to stand.

          So, Darlene, knowing this about me now, do your still want the kind of independence that I have? You have something I will never know, a stable compatible partnership where the sharing of dreams in the morning, dancing in the kitchen, sharing the driving on a long trip, visiting families, and holding each others needs is part of your daily life. Maybe next life I will know how to share my needs instead of living with the withholds that contain my fears and keep me separate and independent.