Day 342

Ky is working on my list of maintenance projects. I can paint around the back porch windows while he finishes up the trim on the inside. Then the front door weather stripping and handle and that’s all for now. I still want a new outside light. It’s an old house and needs constant attention. I could use a maintenance list too. Yesterday I dusted the juicer and made green drink. May even start growing wheat grass again.

Day 341

Misses and messes, lost and broken items, mistakes and misspoken words: that was life for three weeks. I decided to philosophize and use the incidents as metaphors. When I cleaned up the overflowed washer, I felt I was cleaning up a mess on the inside too. My curiosity kept me busy saying “What is the lesson from this?” Stuff happens. I do well to use the mishaps as ways to work on my old beliefs and attitudes.

Day 340

I renewed two friendships yesterday. It’s too easy to let time go by without connecting with people who have been close. I have lost track of people I knew in volunteer positions that I enjoyed. One of the treats of volunteering is the people. I was part of groups that disbanded and I miss them too. I’m making a point of finding old friends and catching up. It’s time for phone calls and sending notes of appreciation.

Day 339

Yesterday I had an irresistible urge to bring order to ignored spaces. Usually I can sit quietly and breathe shallowly and the urge goes away. Well, yesterday I was moved to clean under the sink and on top of the sauna. Flat surfaces are too attractive. I can put any old thing on one until it’s pretty much invisible. I did take down the pea vine netting and visualize a vegetable garden spot. Today is for errands.

Day 338

Another day to putter around. Since the sun will be out, I feel the urge to go outside and see what I can do. The netting for the pea vines needs to be moved to the back fence because the growth last year covered the blueberry bushes and they didn’t have a chance. I’m thinking of having boxes built and a substantial garden planted. The dogs and I need a walk. I’m up for a good day.

Day 337

Today is open. A couple of wants such as visiting the new health store, and a couple of have-to chores such as finishing the sorting in closet and drawers, the rest of the day is free. My guest Samantha has offered to help me get back into my physical therapy exercises and get me accountable again. Since my energy is higher and since I feel better, I’m ready to improve my diet and get on with life.

Day 336

Keeping with the thoughts are things theme, and remembering that I wrote a column about “acting as if”, yesterday was full of chatter, laughing, and hugs. I enjoyed the seniors and the second graders. I have another chance today to be/do/have the attitude that will move me toward the all-systems fitness that I want. This evening I can enjoy socializing at Jon’s CD reception. Good friends, good music, good wine, good cheese. What else could anyone want?

Day 335

Thoughts are things and I decided on creating a shift away from the status quo and toward progress and a refreshed frame of mind. First I took the piles of junk off the treadmill. Flat surfaces are too attractive to ignore. The garden gloves, clippers, extra hats and gloves, old magazines etc. are moved. I looked in the closet and found low self-esteem clothes, those that have stains, holes, paint, loose elastic, and delete them.

First steps.

Day 334

My mind is battling. Part wants health. The other wants to want to. Twenty years ago I said I don’t want to smoke and I never did again. I know I can do what I intend. I could publicly declare that the emotional eating is over and would thereby be accountable. That’s when the debate begins. Do I have enough resources to end the old, out of shape, overweight and depressed person I’ve become since Kim died?

Day 333

I watched it all and enjoyed the personal moments the most. When Obama looked back at the crowd and seemed to be soaking up the support from the crowds, I thought of snapshots in my memory of events I wanted to keep forever. The family dynamics were fun to watch and humanized the celebration right down to the gum chewing and the girls taking photos with their phones. The whole thing was worth the day of watching.

Day 332

Today, after I take the dogs to the groomer and do a few errands, I will sit and watch Obama take the oath for the second time. I love the excitement and am happy to be watching from my chair instead of standing in the freezing cold. I have hopes that the divisiveness of politics will soften and they can get busy doing the job we hired them for. Our country is needy for healing and progress.

Day 331

I did break the do-nothing rule and water the orchids. They reward good care with new leaves and blooms. I would probably feel a lot better if I took good care of myself. Maybe I would bloom and get back the energy and enthusiasm for living that I crave. Today I plan to get out and walk and take advantage of this clear crisp weather. It will rain again. Then I will clean out the crowded closets.

Day 330

Today my jammies won’t come off. I’m curling up and doing nothing. I need to rest and restore. I enjoyed yesterday at the PD. The officers shared their pizza with me and I felt included. I like knowing enough so I can answer the phone or meet people at the window intelligently. When I don’t have to run to someone for information, then I know I have a place there. I had a couple of walks too.

Day 329

Another day of waking up at 4:30! Makes a long day. I get draggy in the afternoon. I started a new journal and the first entry is a list of things that worked correctly and a gratitude list. I don’t want to focus on what’s not working. I began a trend of thinking upward. Today I can get a walk to the PD and back. That is my only duty today except to take care of myself.

Day 328

Hollie’s class after the senior center duty. I haven’t been there for a month. It will be writing and I enjoy helping them with words and conventions. Hopefully, another brisk walk will happen after that. I’m enjoying this cold clear weather with the help of hat and gloves. It’s good for the girls and me. I wrote a journal entry waiting for the car service. My journal has been collecting dust. Time to write my way back.

Day 327

Today is last lunch with Darlene. She will be packed up and moving to Shingletown next week. She has been an interesting friend that I met at a writing group. We belonged to  dream group too and I loaned her a ton of books on the spiritual journey. Anthony read through my library. He had a strong place here but Darlene wants to go. I wish them well through their changes. Hope they get what they expect.

Day 326

The hot tub mess was followed by yesterday’s mistakes and misses. It was enough to make me doubt my compos mentis. I am not being present and focusing is not happening. What else am I not noticing? Today will be busy and I need to put my energy into mindfulness so I won’t end up angry with myself as I did last night. Doesn’t make for peaceful, restful sleep. Must be the low point in my biorhythms!

325

I decided to have a spa and empty the hot tub. That’s when the trouble started. First I couldn’t get the hose connected to the outlet. When I did, I had turned the outlet too and water began to gush forth. I managed to turn it off but couldn’t get the hose to work so I bailed the tub with a pitcher. One of those times when it would be pleasant to have a partner for assistance.

Day 324

I purred through the holistic massage. Karen uses different methods depending on what her intuition tells her so I had a combination of Swedish, cranial-sacral, hot rocks and some Reiki. I was a jellyfish. My body needs massage for the therapy and for touch. Today I am committed to a thirty minute plus walk. After church the girls and I are taking the long walk and it will be a routine at least five times a week.

Day 323

Staring at the keyboard. Lots of thoughts and I’m sorting them out for what I want to save. Writing the reader’s digest version on my life creates choices about what to condense into 77 words. Chris asked me if I’m going to make a new blog with 78 words. Not sure yet. I do like adding photos and PS posts when they come up. It’s a good way of documenting the journey. Agenda item: badly needed massage.

Day 322

I may rewrite my declaration of independence for the older Americans issue of senior news. I have the Pets theme almost finished and have ideas for the gardening theme. I feel that my brain fog is finally lifting. Between the death of my son, ordinary stresses, the shooting, seasonal depression, Christmas, the wet darkness etc., I have been swimming in the depths. I want my Tigger bounce back. I am looking around for newness and creative stimulation.

Day 321

Wintery morning with snow nearby. I’m part of a new FaceBook group based on Julia Cameron’s Artists’ Way. The book helped me get busy with creative projects and this group will share art dates and inspiring ideas for projects. I have missed the engagement that comes with focusing on art. I know I’m a word person and not a media artist but the process of creating is soul satisfying even if the product is not particularly noteworthy. 

Day 320

Dark wet cold noisy morning. I’ll take the car when I go to the gallery. I don’t mind getting wet on the way home but I don’t want to sit in wet clothes. I felt there were positive connections yesterday. I like being recognized. Let’s me feel visible and included. Connections are important. It is too easy for me to fall into old habits of standing in the background. I had years of practice at being invisible.

PS

          Darlene mentioned that she had a dream in which I was a character. I asked her what I represented to her. She said she admired my independence. I thought about that for a long time.

          It is true that I am not controlled by another person. Most of my opinions and decisions are generated by my own self. Some are better than others and the consequences are also all mine. I do ask advice and opinion from time to time especially about issues that are outside of my experience. I like information and operate more efficiently when I have done my homework. I ask a lot of questions. I ask until I am satisfied that I know what’s going on. So I am not completely free from reliance on others.

          Independence can also mean separate and not connected. I know that I protect the separation in many ways that are throwbacks to childhood behaviors. I was a shy frail child who was often the new kid having attended twelve schools in four states by the fourth grade. I had no training in social skills at home and did not have a clue how to get acquainted. I waited for the invitation to come from others. I call myself a wallpaper child. Often when I did interact it was to be a permanent turner of the jump rope. I didn’t play games, didn’t know how to ask for help. What I did know came from watching and emulating others. Lots of my schooling was self taught for the same reasons. I did not want to call attention to myself for fear that others would find out that I didn’t know anything. I still don’t play games. Although I have been invited to learn bridge or pinocle or scrabble or cribbage, I won’t take the chance of being ignorant and uncomfortable. I still don’t know how to ask for help or express a need.

          I remember the first time I traveled alone. I had a great lift of freedom and repeated it often by taking risks on workshops and seminars that drew my interest. I wanted to know how I became who I am so I attended my journaling groups including several summers with Ira Progroff. Writing opened the lid on memories and helped me find the triggers and the sources of old beliefs. I spent time in therapy to decipher the myth from my story.

          The history of my relationships is also an example of waiting to be chosen rather than choosing. I had no defenses or strategies for sorting out the attentions of men. If a man chose me than I had to settle for it and try to conform to his expectations. That was bound to fail and did, over and over again until I made a conscious decision to remain free of the temptation to jump in just because I was lonely or tired of being the responsible person.

Beginning early in life and because of this history, I know that I have never allowed myself to trust that anyone, especially a man, would take care of me. This belief that I’m in this life alone, has shown itself to the outside world as independence.

          And then there are the simple daily tasks that it would be comforting share. I just braved the pouring rain to take out the garbage. Looking next door I see Jon and down the street Barry is out with the same task while their wives are dry and warm inside. When I’m out pulling weeks I talk to the dogs. It would be pleasant to share the household tasks and decisions with a partner. When I undertake something big and expensive like the poured foundation, I have the feeling that I’m being ripped off because I didn’t ask enough questions. I rely on the honesty of others and this has been misplaced trust. My self sufficiency is a myth that I allow to stand.

          So, Darlene, knowing this about me now, do your still want the kind of independence that I have? You have something I will never know, a stable compatible partnership where the sharing of dreams in the morning, dancing in the kitchen, sharing the driving on a long trip, visiting families, and holding each others needs is part of your daily life. Maybe next life I will know how to share my needs instead of living with the withholds that contain my fears and keep me separate and independent.

Day 319

And I did get busy on the waiting chores. No elves came and took care of business. Today, after the senior center duty, I will walk down to Safeway where the blood bank bus will be and donate pint #104 and that will make 13 gallons! Good way to start 2013. Still waiting for attention is the February column for senior news. I like to get it in early so Barbara has one less contributor to wrangle.

Day 318

The church service featured the shortest Christmas pageant on record and it was wonderful. There is a family feeling about St. Paul’s that I am coming to enjoy more and more. Today is for errands, shopping, and finally tackling the pile of papers on the table. I feel ready to move on after the sluggish weeks that have drained my motivation. The PT exercises are on the list as is cleaning out the car. Everything shows neglect.

Day 317

Yesterday my energy did not match my intentions. Drat. I dislike days that go by without anything remarkable to remember. I did meet Ruby, the Corgi puppy next door. My dogs practically smothered her with attention. Next time we will go outside and see if they will let her run around. Today is Epiphany Sunday and there will be luncheon after the service. A good day to express thanks for all the gifts I give and receive.

Day 316

A day with no agenda! Barbara sent me the book that we were going to make last week. I can take a look at that project and hope to get busy. I haven’t had a creative urge for months. Yesterday I was looking for a poem in an old journal and was surprised by how much fun I used to have. The current one is simply words. It’s time to court the muse and get moving creatively.

Day 315

I’m restless and moving around looking for something to do. Could write. I have a half-finished column for next month’s Senior News. It’s about loneliness and the health hazard it represents. It’s about taking risks to connect with a social network to keep a positive attitude about the possible futures. I know that when I stopped working, I was in chaos. No role to fill, no daily contacts, no self-confidence. I found volunteering and it saved me.

Day 314

I can say that yesterday was a good day. Haven’t said that for along time! I started with PT exercises. The equipment has been sitting and glaring at me too long. My muscles are reflecting the lack of use and today I will do it again to get the memory back in place. The mental fog is finally lifting and I can sort the waiting piles of paper and hope there is nothing that is time sensitive.

Day 313

Woke up knowing that I’m climbing out of the bog of the last couple of weeks. Maybe no Tigger bounce yet, but I trust my body can do it again. Today the orchids need care, the rest of the papers need to be distributed, the dogs need a walk, the gallery needs to have me in the window writing in my neglected journal. Hope springs and motivation follows. Here’s to renewal of energy and enthusiasm for life.

Day 312

I knew it was 2013 with gun shots followed by the street lined with emergency vehicles lights flashing and people yelling. My head aches. The Imitrex injections aren’t as effective as usual. Maybe these aren’t migraines. I did get out for an hour yesterday and took papers to a few places. I can finish tomorrow when all the places on the route will be operating. So, the new calendars are in effect and I still feel awful