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Day 366

Today is New Year’s Eve. Like Janus, I look backward and forward, looking for high spots, successful events, places where course corrections and changes are appropriate. I will go through the daily log and account for the days of my 77^th year. With this blog, I kept track of activities and feelings about what I have chosen to do Are my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual selves in balance? What parts need attention in my 78^th year?

Day 365

Started the day with coffee, an Imitrex injection, and the netti pot. Suddenly not well yesterday afternoon, came home and went to bed. It was busy at the police department. Calls about sightings of the bank robber. I took the information for the detective. FBI is on board. Two bad guys were caught that have been hiding out for weeks. Sometimes I think I learn more about Crescent City than I need to know. Back to bed.

Day 364

Megan posted on FB that she missed her Uncle Kim. Interesting that we are both thinking about him. I’m glad she connected with him. Call from Cillay asking for a FB post about Pat’s husband and Joyce’s brother needing prayers. I’ll figure out how to do that for them. I don’t know if my brother is alive. Oh, heavy thoughts this morning. Bound to happen at my age. Losing people is never easy or without a burden.

Day 363

Planted lettuce on the sunporch. The green onions are poking up on the back deck. I’m so ready for spring. I know we have days of rain coming. Today I want another interesting senior center duty then on the Hollie’s class. I turned down the invitation to participate in Spring Arts Day. It reminds me of doing it last year with a fog brain after Kim’s death. Stumble, forget what I was saying, not focusing. Sad memory.

Day 362

I’m pushing the calendar. Picked up pea seeds yesterday after returning the TV. The Sony can be repaired, so no new one to wrestle with. Yesterday the senior center was actually interesting. Most days are routine so it was good to have fun conversations and get to know more about the guests. They are my peers. And the food was good too. Today, a massage by Sarah, then an open agenda. The journal still waits for inspiration.

Day 361

Sending Valentines rewarded me with replies from people at a distance. Valentines are my version of Christmas cards, personal notes to those I don’t see or hear from often. I keep connections to significant people who have shared the journey with me. The new power cord to the TV was not rewarding. It doesn’t work either. The company says the set is faulty. Today I’ll tote it back to the store. Do I want to try again?

Day 360

Writing with Della on my lap. She is convinced that there is a mouse behind the desk and is checking out the mouse on the desk too. Her investigation knocked books out and I picked up two to put in the recycling. While the dogs are at the groomers, I will journal and decide, late, what I want to add or subtract for Lent. I have a nagging sense that it is important to shape an intention.

Day 359

Feeling brisk energy and already darting around picking up items that waited for attention and putting them where they belong. I like simplicity. I moved out the basket of material that I know I won’t use and the box of rubber stamps is going next. The back closet is nearly cleared of unused stuff. There are still clothes that I enjoyed and can’t let go of yet. The less stuff I own, the better I like it.

Day 358

Feeling mellow. Massage does that for me. Today I want to write. My journal is underused lately and I have thoughts that I want to save. Wondering if I want to blog again. This has been interesting. I do not feel that my entries are different from when I wrote them privately. I can say that I have enjoyed the responses and wish there were comments. Maybe I can learn more computer options and add more. Hmm….

Day 357

Today I will walk to the police department. Haven’t been out much in the cold wind. Later my body will be treated to a massage with Karen Rath. Oh, I’m looking forward to that. The sugar fest yesterday was great. Turning the kids loose with all those Valentine choices was amazing. The class was appreciative of their creations. I will think up art projects for them for the rest of the school year. Good for me too.

Day 356

Valentine’s Day and I will contribute to sending Hollie’s class home all sugared up. The cupcakes are ready for the seven seven-year olds to decorate with a variety of pink and red icings and candy hearts and gummy things that kids like. I’m looking forward to watching the creativity and the sharing of their art project. They are her responsible students and are wonderful children to work with. Since Hollie is retiring, I get to retire also.

Day 355

Hollie decided to retire from a remark at a meeting. Barbara Clark was inspired to retire from hearing a poem. She says the meaning of 12-21-12 was CHANGE. That day I stayed in and did nothing. Since then I have an empty restlessness. I have been questioning  satisfaction with my choices. I fear a void, feeling that I need an agenda to mark time. I like variety in my days and weeks. My antennae are searching.

PS

For a New Beginning

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,

Where your thoughts never think to wander,

This beginning has been quietly forming,

Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,

Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,

Noticing how you willed yourself on,

Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety

And the gray promises that sameness whispered,

Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,

Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,

And out you stepped onto new ground,

Your eyes young again with energy and dream,

A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear

You can trust the promise of this opening;

Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning

That is at one with your life's desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;

Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;

Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,

For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

~ John O'Donohue ~

Day 354

Started great and limped along by afternoon. Set up the TV after struggling to get the old set disconnected and found that the power cord was not the right one. Called tech support and a new cord in a week. I was happy with figuring it out. Reading from a diagram is not a skill that I do fluently. Today I will do the heart cutting lesson with Hollie’s class before the two usual duties and errands.

Day 353

Monday again and an opportunity to start over. I have a list of errands and shopping. The cupboard is bare. Lots of needs like dog food, eye drops, calcium tablets and a new TV. Another call to the doctor’s office to get the prescriptions straightened out and ask how that girl can keep her job. The new journal has a cover that I like a lot. It reminds me of the deeply meaningful women's retreat in 2002.

Day 352

Quick synopsis of yesterday – stayed in bed. Wait, I did make soup and push the go button on the dishwasher. Just no energy, no motivation, no interest. The Bishop is coming to church today. I will go and be part of the event. It’s an opportunity to act “as if.” If I had energy, motivation, and interest, I would interact with others, enjoy the service, be grateful and be blessed for the effort at moving toward normalcy.

Day 351

Still out of step with the Universe. Am I going to wind up my 77^th year on a downer? Bright spot was a message from Megan. She is owning her new life and making adjustments. She is inspiring with her desire to live the life she envisioned. Sure, there are rough spots and a long look at what has already been accomplished will get her across them. Now, what can I do to tame my copeless attitude?

PS

There is one more warning label we should pay attention to: Loneliness may be hazardous to your health. There are unpredictable life events that can create stress. Stress brings problems emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. Losing one’s place due to loss of a family member, retirement or job loss, and moving to a new location are three of the top stressors we can endure that happen to us all at one time or another. Staying alone too long can lead to depression or alcohol use, feelings of rejection and loss of self-confidence. These are not healthy states of mind.

One serious symptom is rarely diagnosed. It is loneliness. Suddenly being out of step with routine can shake us up and make us feel out of balance. It is easy to stay alone to deal with the changes. The anti-dote takes effort and the rewards are great. It takes courage to step out into the community to make a new place, new friends, new uses of skills and learning new skills. One place to start is at a senior center where groups meet for meals, classes, exercises, games, and socializing. It is a place to find peers, people who have had the same presidents, the same issues, and are seeking friendship and support. Another place to lift loneliness is a church family. Most churches have coffee hours after services where the members talk and get acquainted. Like minded people find lots of common beliefs and interests. There are clubs, service organizations, and lodges where people get together for mutual goals. Getting exercise helps loneliness dissolve. Swimming, exercise classes, walking groups, nature walks, or just walking around the community can change perspective and enliven interest and curiosity about what is available to do and see. Once I saw a poster for children’s art classes. Doing something with art was one thing I wanted to pursue now that I was retired so I took a risk and asked if an ‘old child’ could enroll. I had a wonderful experience and learned a lot. I found that I enjoyed watercolor painting. I also took an art class at the college and learned more techniques plus more interesting people to work and play with. There are other creative projects that have group activities such as quilting or fabric painting.

Volunteering fills in the need for structure and uses time well. By giving away our time and talents, we enrich ourselves and our communities.

All it takes is reaching out to find a new place for living healthy and satisfying living.

Day 350

I hope today works better than yesterday. Started out fine and went downhill fast. Hollie fell at work, was shocky and in pain from her neck. Met her at Urgent Care but she wouldn’t let me help. She decided to retire at the end of the year. The incredible pressure without support was enough. Then my prescription arrived wrong for the third time. No response from my call to the doctor. And the TV won’t work. Egads.

Day 349

Felt good to have proactive reasons to be distributing senior news and handling petitions and talking about the cause. People feel powerless against the system so I quoted the Dalai Lama, “If you think small doesn’t matter, try sleeping in the room with a mosquito.” It brought laughter and hope. My goal is fill another petition today along with my duties to senior center and Hollie’s class. It’s better to make an effort than to give up.

Day 348

From doing nothing to a full day. The papers arrived and I wanted to distribute half before senior center duty. I planned to finish them after the gallery but my energy didn’t last. A pizza restored me for the evening. Today, lots of errands and catch-up. I’m taking petitions to the senior apartments to stop Sutter Coast from taking local control from the hospital. It is a vital issue and concerns the old and poor the most.

Day 347

No papers again and it was a relief because I could not muster enough energy to lift a finger much less do anything productive. So, the papers will be late this month. I can’t distribute them until I get them. Today is senior center duty plus sitting the gallery. Part of me would like to sit under my fuzzy blanket and stare at reruns. I will overcome the urge and do what I say I will do.

Day 346

No word from Marlene about Gene. I’ll get busy with duties. The senior news is sure to be here this morning. That takes a couple of hours and I can make it fun. Painting the window frames must be done as it may rain tomorrow. Yesterday I just plain forgot to do it. My mind doesn’t focus well when a shock comes. I found the dog water-dish completely dry. And I can’t even cope with my hair.

Day 345

Every time I pop up and feel well-being, another blow hits and I sink again. I’m not ready to lose my friend Gene. I have watched his decline and know how miserable he has been. Giving up gardening, letting Ted take him fishing, not driving, and constant pain have diminished his body but not his spirit. He is the most generous person I know. Thursday I called him and the conversation was confused. His brain was bleeding.

Day 344

No papers came yesterday and so my day plan changed and that will change my Monday plans. I say I am flexible but I did get grumpy about no papers and no phone call from Josey’s delivery service that I asked for. Today the painting will happen. All the caulk etc will be dry and ready to be covered. The sun makes a wonderful difference. People get out and enjoy the winter air. Makes spring seem close.

Day 343

The Senior News will be on the porch this morning. I can distribute half of them before I go to the PD and finish after. My column is on loneliness as a health hazard. I wish I had included the AA warning: Don’t get too tired, too angry, or too lonely. Those conditions are dangerous to us all. I get lots of walking taking the papers around town and visiting on the way. It’s a good life.

Day 342

Ky is working on my list of maintenance projects. I can paint around the back porch windows while he finishes up the trim on the inside. Then the front door weather stripping and handle and that’s all for now. I still want a new outside light. It’s an old house and needs constant attention. I could use a maintenance list too. Yesterday I dusted the juicer and made green drink. May even start growing wheat grass again.

Day 341

Misses and messes, lost and broken items, mistakes and misspoken words: that was life for three weeks. I decided to philosophize and use the incidents as metaphors. When I cleaned up the overflowed washer, I felt I was cleaning up a mess on the inside too. My curiosity kept me busy saying “What is the lesson from this?” Stuff happens. I do well to use the mishaps as ways to work on my old beliefs and attitudes.

Day 340

I renewed two friendships yesterday. It’s too easy to let time go by without connecting with people who have been close. I have lost track of people I knew in volunteer positions that I enjoyed. One of the treats of volunteering is the people. I was part of groups that disbanded and I miss them too. I’m making a point of finding old friends and catching up. It’s time for phone calls and sending notes of appreciation.

Day 339

Yesterday I had an irresistible urge to bring order to ignored spaces. Usually I can sit quietly and breathe shallowly and the urge goes away. Well, yesterday I was moved to clean under the sink and on top of the sauna. Flat surfaces are too attractive. I can put any old thing on one until it’s pretty much invisible. I did take down the pea vine netting and visualize a vegetable garden spot. Today is for errands.

Day 338

Another day to putter around. Since the sun will be out, I feel the urge to go outside and see what I can do. The netting for the pea vines needs to be moved to the back fence because the growth last year covered the blueberry bushes and they didn’t have a chance. I’m thinking of having boxes built and a substantial garden planted. The dogs and I need a walk. I’m up for a good day.

Day 337

Today is open. A couple of wants such as visiting the new health store, and a couple of have-to chores such as finishing the sorting in closet and drawers, the rest of the day is free. My guest Samantha has offered to help me get back into my physical therapy exercises and get me accountable again. Since my energy is higher and since I feel better, I’m ready to improve my diet and get on with life.

Day 336

Keeping with the thoughts are things theme, and remembering that I wrote a column about “acting as if”, yesterday was full of chatter, laughing, and hugs. I enjoyed the seniors and the second graders. I have another chance today to be/do/have the attitude that will move me toward the all-systems fitness that I want. This evening I can enjoy socializing at Jon’s CD reception. Good friends, good music, good wine, good cheese. What else could anyone want?

Day 335

Thoughts are things and I decided on creating a shift away from the status quo and toward progress and a refreshed frame of mind. First I took the piles of junk off the treadmill. Flat surfaces are too attractive to ignore. The garden gloves, clippers, extra hats and gloves, old magazines etc. are moved. I looked in the closet and found low self-esteem clothes, those that have stains, holes, paint, loose elastic, and delete them.

First steps.

Day 334

My mind is battling. Part wants health. The other wants to want to. Twenty years ago I said I don’t want to smoke and I never did again. I know I can do what I intend. I could publicly declare that the emotional eating is over and would thereby be accountable. That’s when the debate begins. Do I have enough resources to end the old, out of shape, overweight and depressed person I’ve become since Kim died?

Day 333

I watched it all and enjoyed the personal moments the most. When Obama looked back at the crowd and seemed to be soaking up the support from the crowds, I thought of snapshots in my memory of events I wanted to keep forever. The family dynamics were fun to watch and humanized the celebration right down to the gum chewing and the girls taking photos with their phones. The whole thing was worth the day of watching.

Day 332

Today, after I take the dogs to the groomer and do a few errands, I will sit and watch Obama take the oath for the second time. I love the excitement and am happy to be watching from my chair instead of standing in the freezing cold. I have hopes that the divisiveness of politics will soften and they can get busy doing the job we hired them for. Our country is needy for healing and progress.

Day 331

I did break the do-nothing rule and water the orchids. They reward good care with new leaves and blooms. I would probably feel a lot better if I took good care of myself. Maybe I would bloom and get back the energy and enthusiasm for living that I crave. Today I plan to get out and walk and take advantage of this clear crisp weather. It will rain again. Then I will clean out the crowded closets.

Day 330

Today my jammies won’t come off. I’m curling up and doing nothing. I need to rest and restore. I enjoyed yesterday at the PD. The officers shared their pizza with me and I felt included. I like knowing enough so I can answer the phone or meet people at the window intelligently. When I don’t have to run to someone for information, then I know I have a place there. I had a couple of walks too.

Day 329

Another day of waking up at 4:30! Makes a long day. I get draggy in the afternoon. I started a new journal and the first entry is a list of things that worked correctly and a gratitude list. I don’t want to focus on what’s not working. I began a trend of thinking upward. Today I can get a walk to the PD and back. That is my only duty today except to take care of myself.

Day 328

Hollie’s class after the senior center duty. I haven’t been there for a month. It will be writing and I enjoy helping them with words and conventions. Hopefully, another brisk walk will happen after that. I’m enjoying this cold clear weather with the help of hat and gloves. It’s good for the girls and me. I wrote a journal entry waiting for the car service. My journal has been collecting dust. Time to write my way back.

Day 327

Today is last lunch with Darlene. She will be packed up and moving to Shingletown next week. She has been an interesting friend that I met at a writing group. We belonged to  dream group too and I loaned her a ton of books on the spiritual journey. Anthony read through my library. He had a strong place here but Darlene wants to go. I wish them well through their changes. Hope they get what they expect.

Day 326

The hot tub mess was followed by yesterday’s mistakes and misses. It was enough to make me doubt my compos mentis. I am not being present and focusing is not happening. What else am I not noticing? Today will be busy and I need to put my energy into mindfulness so I won’t end up angry with myself as I did last night. Doesn’t make for peaceful, restful sleep. Must be the low point in my biorhythms!

325

I decided to have a spa and empty the hot tub. That’s when the trouble started. First I couldn’t get the hose connected to the outlet. When I did, I had turned the outlet too and water began to gush forth. I managed to turn it off but couldn’t get the hose to work so I bailed the tub with a pitcher. One of those times when it would be pleasant to have a partner for assistance.

Day 324

I purred through the holistic massage. Karen uses different methods depending on what her intuition tells her so I had a combination of Swedish, cranial-sacral, hot rocks and some Reiki. I was a jellyfish. My body needs massage for the therapy and for touch. Today I am committed to a thirty minute plus walk. After church the girls and I are taking the long walk and it will be a routine at least five times a week.

Day 323

Staring at the keyboard. Lots of thoughts and I’m sorting them out for what I want to save. Writing the reader’s digest version on my life creates choices about what to condense into 77 words. Chris asked me if I’m going to make a new blog with 78 words. Not sure yet. I do like adding photos and PS posts when they come up. It’s a good way of documenting the journey. Agenda item: badly needed massage.

Day 322

I may rewrite my declaration of independence for the older Americans issue of senior news. I have the Pets theme almost finished and have ideas for the gardening theme. I feel that my brain fog is finally lifting. Between the death of my son, ordinary stresses, the shooting, seasonal depression, Christmas, the wet darkness etc., I have been swimming in the depths. I want my Tigger bounce back. I am looking around for newness and creative stimulation.

Day 321

Wintery morning with snow nearby. I’m part of a new FaceBook group based on Julia Cameron’s Artists’ Way. The book helped me get busy with creative projects and this group will share art dates and inspiring ideas for projects. I have missed the engagement that comes with focusing on art. I know I’m a word person and not a media artist but the process of creating is soul satisfying even if the product is not particularly noteworthy. 

Day 320

Dark wet cold noisy morning. I’ll take the car when I go to the gallery. I don’t mind getting wet on the way home but I don’t want to sit in wet clothes. I felt there were positive connections yesterday. I like being recognized. Let’s me feel visible and included. Connections are important. It is too easy for me to fall into old habits of standing in the background. I had years of practice at being invisible.

PS

          Darlene mentioned that she had a dream in which I was a character. I asked her what I represented to her. She said she admired my independence. I thought about that for a long time.

          It is true that I am not controlled by another person. Most of my opinions and decisions are generated by my own self. Some are better than others and the consequences are also all mine. I do ask advice and opinion from time to time especially about issues that are outside of my experience. I like information and operate more efficiently when I have done my homework. I ask a lot of questions. I ask until I am satisfied that I know what’s going on. So I am not completely free from reliance on others.

          Independence can also mean separate and not connected. I know that I protect the separation in many ways that are throwbacks to childhood behaviors. I was a shy frail child who was often the new kid having attended twelve schools in four states by the fourth grade. I had no training in social skills at home and did not have a clue how to get acquainted. I waited for the invitation to come from others. I call myself a wallpaper child. Often when I did interact it was to be a permanent turner of the jump rope. I didn’t play games, didn’t know how to ask for help. What I did know came from watching and emulating others. Lots of my schooling was self taught for the same reasons. I did not want to call attention to myself for fear that others would find out that I didn’t know anything. I still don’t play games. Although I have been invited to learn bridge or pinocle or scrabble or cribbage, I won’t take the chance of being ignorant and uncomfortable. I still don’t know how to ask for help or express a need.

          I remember the first time I traveled alone. I had a great lift of freedom and repeated it often by taking risks on workshops and seminars that drew my interest. I wanted to know how I became who I am so I attended my journaling groups including several summers with Ira Progroff. Writing opened the lid on memories and helped me find the triggers and the sources of old beliefs. I spent time in therapy to decipher the myth from my story.

          The history of my relationships is also an example of waiting to be chosen rather than choosing. I had no defenses or strategies for sorting out the attentions of men. If a man chose me than I had to settle for it and try to conform to his expectations. That was bound to fail and did, over and over again until I made a conscious decision to remain free of the temptation to jump in just because I was lonely or tired of being the responsible person.

Beginning early in life and because of this history, I know that I have never allowed myself to trust that anyone, especially a man, would take care of me. This belief that I’m in this life alone, has shown itself to the outside world as independence.

          And then there are the simple daily tasks that it would be comforting share. I just braved the pouring rain to take out the garbage. Looking next door I see Jon and down the street Barry is out with the same task while their wives are dry and warm inside. When I’m out pulling weeks I talk to the dogs. It would be pleasant to share the household tasks and decisions with a partner. When I undertake something big and expensive like the poured foundation, I have the feeling that I’m being ripped off because I didn’t ask enough questions. I rely on the honesty of others and this has been misplaced trust. My self sufficiency is a myth that I allow to stand.

          So, Darlene, knowing this about me now, do your still want the kind of independence that I have? You have something I will never know, a stable compatible partnership where the sharing of dreams in the morning, dancing in the kitchen, sharing the driving on a long trip, visiting families, and holding each others needs is part of your daily life. Maybe next life I will know how to share my needs instead of living with the withholds that contain my fears and keep me separate and independent.

Day 319

And I did get busy on the waiting chores. No elves came and took care of business. Today, after the senior center duty, I will walk down to Safeway where the blood bank bus will be and donate pint #104 and that will make 13 gallons! Good way to start 2013. Still waiting for attention is the February column for senior news. I like to get it in early so Barbara has one less contributor to wrangle.

Day 318

The church service featured the shortest Christmas pageant on record and it was wonderful. There is a family feeling about St. Paul’s that I am coming to enjoy more and more. Today is for errands, shopping, and finally tackling the pile of papers on the table. I feel ready to move on after the sluggish weeks that have drained my motivation. The PT exercises are on the list as is cleaning out the car. Everything shows neglect.

Day 317

Yesterday my energy did not match my intentions. Drat. I dislike days that go by without anything remarkable to remember. I did meet Ruby, the Corgi puppy next door. My dogs practically smothered her with attention. Next time we will go outside and see if they will let her run around. Today is Epiphany Sunday and there will be luncheon after the service. A good day to express thanks for all the gifts I give and receive.

Day 316

A day with no agenda! Barbara sent me the book that we were going to make last week. I can take a look at that project and hope to get busy. I haven’t had a creative urge for months. Yesterday I was looking for a poem in an old journal and was surprised by how much fun I used to have. The current one is simply words. It’s time to court the muse and get moving creatively.

Day 315

I’m restless and moving around looking for something to do. Could write. I have a half-finished column for next month’s Senior News. It’s about loneliness and the health hazard it represents. It’s about taking risks to connect with a social network to keep a positive attitude about the possible futures. I know that when I stopped working, I was in chaos. No role to fill, no daily contacts, no self-confidence. I found volunteering and it saved me.

Day 314

I can say that yesterday was a good day. Haven’t said that for along time! I started with PT exercises. The equipment has been sitting and glaring at me too long. My muscles are reflecting the lack of use and today I will do it again to get the memory back in place. The mental fog is finally lifting and I can sort the waiting piles of paper and hope there is nothing that is time sensitive.

Day 313

Woke up knowing that I’m climbing out of the bog of the last couple of weeks. Maybe no Tigger bounce yet, but I trust my body can do it again. Today the orchids need care, the rest of the papers need to be distributed, the dogs need a walk, the gallery needs to have me in the window writing in my neglected journal. Hope springs and motivation follows. Here’s to renewal of energy and enthusiasm for life.

Day 312

I knew it was 2013 with gun shots followed by the street lined with emergency vehicles lights flashing and people yelling. My head aches. The Imitrex injections aren’t as effective as usual. Maybe these aren’t migraines. I did get out for an hour yesterday and took papers to a few places. I can finish tomorrow when all the places on the route will be operating. So, the new calendars are in effect and I still feel awful