Day 311

Restless night, disturbing dream episodes that must have spawned from food network shows and watching Suddenly Last Summer. Egads. No headache this morning so I’m hoping for a better day. I need to get out of the house for at least a little while. May take the papers downtown. It’s kind of a half-holiday and some places may be closed. There’s always Wednesday for completing the duty. I do enjoy seeing people on the route. Onward. Upward.

Day 310

Positive thinking is not always enough. I like the optimistic part of me and am disappointed when I can’t live up to my intentions. I’ll have to call Barbara and say that wanting her to come for art and distributing the paper is not enough to overcome my low health and non-existent energy. I feel awful. Not a medical term but understandable anyway. Today my agenda will be sit under my blankie and sulk at missing out.

Day 309

The only bright thing around here this morning is the moon with its ice-crystal halo shining in the skylight. I feel dull and unfocused, again. I notice magical thinking about how taking down the 2012 calendars and putting up the new ones will open up to life energy again and I will rise up to my best care and use of myself. Let’s see now, when did wishing ever make it so? Grab yourself and move now.

Day 308

Maybe I will address the paper piles on the kitchen table, or not. There are booklets about the new health and pharmacy insurances that I enrolled in. I’m sure nobody reads them unless there’s a problem. Today I will get out again, to the PD for a couple of hours so Sarah can go to lunch. I’m feeling OK though not dancing and singing yet. I’m going to have parchment-baked salmon for dinner with lemon and garlic.

Day 307

I didn’t exchange a word with another human being yesterday. Dozed and sat with the TV and the dogs. Did the trick. I feel better. It’s still dark and wet and I’m going out to do my senior center duty. I’ll talk to Barbara and maybe a trip here can fit into her plans. I would enjoy having her with me distributing the senior news. I’d like her to see the places and people on the route.

Day 306

Another wet and dark day and I will stay in and quiet again. Just not feeling at all energetic or motivated. The comfort zone is appealing and readily available. Yesterday Chris brought me a plate of their Christmas dinner. I had left over soup but her plate was toothsome and made with love. So there was a Christmas dinner after all. Lots of phone conversations and exchanges of greetings. Today will bring one new minute of daylight.

Day 305

The Christmas service at St. Paul’s was just right. The church looked beautiful with greens and poinsettias. The music, not so much. Donna was ill and Al Halls stepped in at the last moment and was awful. We could have had a better carol sing without his hesitant and wrong note renditions. It did make it homey and everyone did their best to sing along. Fr. David gave a homily about the good guys in the world.

PS
It's the time of year to express gratitude for the blessings of daily life. I can't think of enough words to fully write about what wonderful people I get to know. So I will begin with Chris. Chris brings me surprises whether it's cookies, sweaters for Della or simply herself. She has been a gift to me, the first good neighbor in all the years I have lived here and a very interesting friend who allows me to be part of her spiritual journey. 

Day 304

Errands and shopping today. Dog food, tooth paste, that kind of stuff. I  wish I had something festive to look forward to doing. I suppose I could have planned something myself except I assume everyone else has a social life and family get-togethers. So, what can I do today that will alleviate the prevailing heaviness of the past couple of weeks? I can get out and walk as this is the only day without a rain forecast. 

Day 303

After a week of minimal connection to the outside, I’m ready to re-engage. I sat in front of the TV every minute that I wasn’t taking care of responsibilities. The only exercise has been walking to the kitchen. The Sy-fy channel had some wonderfully tacky low-budget catastrophe films in honor of Mayans and Hallmark has supplied smarmy holiday films. The dark, the shooting, and Christmas got to me. Not the way I intend to use my life.

Day 302

Dark morning. Noisy hail shower. I may light the candle now instead of waiting for sunset. The ritual came from Hollie. Better to light one candle than to curse the dark. It helps to have the candle light. It takes awhile to notice the new minutes of daylight. I will enjoy the baklava that Chris brought me. She remembers what we talk about. What a heart connection we have! I was waiting for her to come here.

Day 301

Solstice Day, the shortest day of the year and the birthday of the Sun. It can begin growing again. My mood has been dark too. I do what I say I’ll do and that is all. Clearly I have been closed up since the shootings a week ago. Today I will go to the police department duty and then shop for the weekend. I have no agenda and don’t need one. Being quiet is enough for now.

Day 300

I talked with my therapist friend Marilyn Fox and felt my insides moving back where they belonged. Flash-backs to other shocks add up. Years ago she treated me for PTSD resulting from unresolved grief. Marilyn reminded me of the tools I have for coping in a healthy way. So, onward. Outside the storm is raging. Hollie is sick, so no second grade this afternoon. I’m guessing that the senior center number will be small in this weather.

Day 299

All was not well. The first graders came to sing carols at the center and I had what I guess was an anxiety attack. My mind kept seeing the rows of children falling from bullets. I had to leave feeling the come-aparts were going to explode in me. I looked at the others who were smiling and enjoying the children and no one else seemed uncomfortable. It brought up the shock and helplessness of Kim’s unexpected death.

Day 298

The kids were great yesterday. They were quiet and played along with the act that Hollie and I do. And their products were wonderful, a whole wall of star-shaped Santa Claus complete with cotton beards. Today I will enjoy the senior center people and my duty there. Besides the paper work, I like to greet and talk to them, give compliments, and in general, add to their enjoyment of the meal. All is well in my world.

Day 297

297

A quote from “2150AD”: A measure of personal evolution is acceptance of the unacceptable. Guess I have a few more miles to go. I stopped watching the coverage and concentrated on being present. It stops the anxiety and hypervigilance for a while. Today I will enjoy fully the attention from the second graders when I do my mimed star Santa lesson. It is my hammy silly self that does it. I can make them smile and giggle.

Day 296

Hollie and I walked in the rain and wind yesterday hoping to feel something other than grief. She was looking for any part of the awfulness that she could feel grateful for. Her class of seven year olds all went home to their families but that wasn’t enough. I think she was trying to make sense out of it. There is no sense to find. We shopped a little hoping for the distraction of the everyday necessities.

Day 295

The school shooting sent me into a blubbering mess. One of the best things about Kindergartners was looking at their faces when they were listening and watching everything I said and did. The trust and openness to new ideas and new skills was right there in their faces. I hope he killed the teacher first. The horror of watching children being shot would be the last thing she saw before her own death. I loved teaching Primary.

Day 294

There are times when positive thinking and good intentions aren’t enough. Yesterday the headache did not abate with the Imitrex injection and the sore digestive system demanded a rest so I spent the day in the house instead of out in the world participating. My body rules. It’s hard to go any place without it. Today I’m up and about and ready for the police department. I missed the poinsettia construction project with Hollie’s class. Oh well.

Day 293

Finally I have an alarm system that works! The magnet was gone from the sliding door. Mystery. Couldn’t find it anywhere so the new one has extra sticky stuff on it. The gallery was fun yesterday. I like it when people come in to look at the art work. Gail’s wolves are a big attraction. Today I’m looking forward to the center and Hollie’s class. Maybe a brisk walk afterwards. The dogs and  I need the exercise. 

Day 292

12/12/12. Last time in this century these dates will occur. Still no alarm tech. I called at 2:30 to say that the tech didn’t come yesterday at 2:30. He said I hung up on him. I said he disconnected. There are sorely needed communications and courtesy lessons by this co. The writers’ lunch was great. Both Karen and Darlene have sold their houses and will be leaving soon. No more writing group unless we recruit new people.

Day 291

Yesterday morning was beautiful. It was calm, clear, inviting, a rare December day. and enjoying it didn’t happen. The alarm wouldn’t arm. I called for service at 8AM and was told I would get called about when I would be helped. Hours went by. I called again at 1PM. 2:30, he said. No. that didn’t happen. I waited all day and nobody showed up. I was upset. The company showed no respect for my time or safety.

Day 290

Today I’m splashing color in my journal, doing a few errands, going for another long walk with the girls and looking around for something else to do. I’m sure it’s the sunshine that has brightened my attitude and motivation. I need to be in motion, inside or outside, to feel well and satisfied with how I’m living my life. Yesterday I became friends with Alicia. First time we have had time to get to know each other.

Day 289

Munching on  gingerbread people with my coffee. Pat Black brought a plate of them. Yum. Yesterday was satisfying. Chased dust bunnies out from corners, cleaned the vacuum cleaner, roasted a chicken then turned on the oven cleaner, cleaned behind the washing machine, cleaned the sauna and washed the towels, cleaned the hot tub, cleaned the air cleaner, cleaned under the kitchen sink to make room for the trash can so Della can’t get into it. Wonderful day!

Day 288

I’m beginning to have answers to the FAQs at the police department. Makes me feel more useful than when I have to run and ask every time. I do like the connection there. The senior center volunteer party was pleasant. A ton of catered food and I loved every bite. Today I want to enjoy being home without an agenda. I will dust a little as the Advent rosary prayers will be here this evening. Good life.

Day 287

Tut’s advice is give myself permission to doodle, daydream, be totally unproductive and relish the interludes. It’s hard for me to give up taking an inventory at the end of the day without some product to show for the hours. Even if I list that I pushed the button on the dishwasher, at least I did something! Yet I tell other people that it’s OK to take a day off from duties and responsibilities and just be.

Day 286

I want to walk again today. I enjoy being out. The wind was brisk and I sailed home from the gallery! I sent in the January column early. The ideas were there so I put them in black and white and off they went to Barbara. I’m getting used to writing 400 words. For some reason 500 words are easier to write than 400. I do more censoring and tightening with fewer words. I enjoy the opportunity,

Day 285

Yesterday I told Robert that it was my day for accepting compliments and he paid me one. Also had positive remarks about my writing and one about smiling at people when they come into the senior center. Kay Adams sent a permission slip for the use of my work in her newest book that will be published soon. Two phone calls and one visitor who just wanted to tell me good things about my support and caring.

Day 284

Breszny says it’s time to write celebratory stories. I could write them all day long! My life is full of gratitude for who I am and what I do. Yesterday was an example of people asking me to use my resources to connect them to what they needed to have or know. I did. I have a network of people, places, and things and love to put them together. Maybe I’ll get to do it again today.

Day 283

Chris and I did have a pleasant time at the tea. It was kind of crowded and noisy but still fun. I saw people I know and had some quick catch up conversations. I sat with Trish and Katie and ate tiny sandwiches and tiny cookies etc. The decorations were well done and the piano player was not too loud with his Christmas songs. Nice event. Then, thankfully, I had quiet for the rest of the day.

Day 282

The guest has still not arrived. Long night’s drive from LA. Stormy night and I feel unrested this morning. Church first and then down the street to Anna Wulf House for the Habitat for Humanity Tea with Chris. Neither of us is comfortable in social groups of people we don’t know well so we will depend on each other to have a good time. Then I would like to have the rest of the day to myself.

Day 281

Another busy day out with people. I’ll work at the Christmas show at the fairgrounds in the museum booth with Rick Bennett. We hope to sell a lot of books as gifts. Yesterday I distributed the north half of the senior news and can finish that up on Monday. The guest is supposed to arrive about 5 PM and if she does then I will go to Pat Black’s house for the Advent rosary group. All good.

Day 280

Yesterday’s visit with Joan Butler was productive. I like her. She listens. Today is stormy one that will turn J Street into a river. May get to walk to the police department or may take the easy way and drive. If I want a pizza after work, that will be the best choice. I’m looking forward to seeing the people at the PD. Haven’t been there for two weeks. I enjoy the variety in my weekly routine.

Day 279

Yesterday didn’t happen as planned. I decided on a day when my jammies wouldn’t come off and Megan’s apartment didn’t happen either. On the other hand, Charter did come and reconnect the TV in the guest house. I managed a couple of naps in my chair while pretending to watch reruns. It was a good day for staying in. Wish I could again today. The wind and rain are tearing noisily around the house. But duty calls.

Day 278

It’s wet and windy. I’m thinking I will walk to the gallery to get the cleansing from the weather. It will blow away the cobwebs that remain in my brain. Excited call from Megan. She found an apartment and is so bubbly with plans to get on with settling in. I am grateful to be part of her life. She has made wonderful living spaces out of her other places. This one will be a treat too.

Day 277

Yesterday was a productive one. Two walks. Two visits with good friends. Chuck took away the brush that I had cut and collected. The yard is clear. Today I want another walk since rain is predicted for the week. Then a trip to Charter to reconnect the TV for the guest who arriving Saturday. I am feeling so much better than I have in a long time. I will admit I enjoyed a week away from routine.

Day 276

New day. I splashed watercolor on two journal pages that are ready for words to go over the top. Makes a pretty page. Megan’s breakup has reminded me of times of change that I have not written about. May be time to put the experiences in words. I make sense out of feelings by seeing them in words. There is loss when relationships fail. It is the loss of projected potential. Take it back and start over.

Day 275

Twelve ‘I am’ statements: I am honest. I am trustworthy. I am healthy. I am grateful. I am wise. I am funny. I am bright. I am involved in life. I am enthusiastic about living. I am supportive of family and friends. I am curious about everything. I am inventive. I am creative. I am a writer. I am a lover. I am a great cook. I am a perpetual learner. But I can’t count to twelve.

Day 274

Megan is gaining perspective on the end of her relationship. She is ready to deal with the details and get her life back. She is growing into a wonderful woman. Today I have details to deal with too. Having company points out the places that need attention. I want to take everything out of the corner cupboard and that requires sitting on the floor and staying there until I put things back. I can delete unused items.

Day 273

Ah, leftovers! The soup is on and that’s my favorite part of the turkey. We had an abundant dinner and cleaned up easily. Today Hollie will come and take the rest of the food. Megan took home a portion for her breakfast. I want a long walk today with or without dogs. Must take advantage of the fair weather. Rain is coming back soon. I cleaned the guest house yesterday. It is ready for Samantha from Philadelphia..

Day 272

Megan will be here early. She broke up with Shane yesterday and so we will have the chance to console her and encourage her next steps. There are far worse things than being alone and one is being alone in a relationship. So over turkey and mashed potatoes, we will discuss the mysteries of life and possible futures. Her wish to finish college and go to culinary school can happen. We can help her. Such is life.

Day 271

Hollie and I will go shopping early this morning. The shopping today and cooking together tomorrow are my favorite things. Thanksgiving is the only holiday we celebrate as a family. We don’t celebrate Christmas. Megan can ask for a tool as a gift. It is usually something for the kitchen and her desire to become a chef shows in her choices. We think this year it will be a special knife. First we have the Thanksgiving feast.

Day 270

Just had the adventure of taking the garbage container out in the storm. The gutter is full and running fast. Hope the water or the wind don’t overturn it. Today I will see the chiro before I go to the senior center and show him the MRI pictures with the caveat from the doctor. I need to get busy with my part of the solution with exercises. Keeping dry and warm are on the agenda for today.

Day 269

Rest I did! My eyes finally stopped twitching after the close work of making all those knots. I feel that I have caught up with my house chores. Today, while the dogs are at the groomers, I will catch up on errands and shopping. My cupboard is not bare after the trip to Cosco but vegetables and fruit are missing. Hope to hear from the guest from Philadelphia. The little house needs to be used in winter.

Day 268

I learned to make a knotted Anglican rosary yesterday. I came home with tired eyes. It was fun and Sister Diana was patient with my ugly knots. I know how to pick them out. I have cord so I can make another one. Susanne was good at it. She has made macramé so the knots came easier for her. I like the group praying. This wet day I will rest and relax after a long busy week.

Day 267

A couple of scenic detours, and a good doc visit. Yes, there is risk from more damage to the spinal cord. If I get bonked or fall etc. I could end up with symptoms I wouldn’t like. I said NO surgery now. If I notice any of the warning signs he gave me, then we will talk. I need to bring my health up to optimum. Cosco was a zoo and we managed to spend over $400!

Day 266

I am ready for the trip to Medford. I have all the papers, medical insurance stuff plus the MRI in my purse. I will drive to the Hamlet to meet Hollie and she will drive. My blood pressure goes up at the doctor’s office so I take my blood donor card to show that my usual pressure is low as it isn’t affected by that procedure. After the consultation, we are going to Cosco with a list.

Day 265

Two good walks yesterday. Took the dogs out in the morning after two long business calls and walked to the gallery in the afternoon. Felt good to be out in the fall sun. Today looks fair again. After the senior center and Hollie’s class, I plan to walk. Lots of sitting tomorrow with the trip to Medford. I’m catching up with errands and duties. Feels good to be in charge of my life again. I’m doing OK.

Day 264

They liked it. It’s my mood that’s boring. It’s been six months today since my son died. According to two good friends who took the risk to tell me, I have allowed myself to get old, out of shape, overweight, and depressed. OK. I plead guilty. I want my joy back and it breaks through now and then. My approach to life is positive and I look for people, places, and things that encourage connection to positives.

Day 263

No. It’s not finished. Feels boring. I like my columns to do something positive for the reader. Maybe inspire them to move and explore their worlds. This column on food doesn’t move me as I’m writing it. I’ll take it to writing group this afternoon and get help. They like giving ideas. Usually I have 500 words before I take a breath. This one, not so much. I have struggled to get to 400! I’ll get there.

Day 262

The column for December needs to get out of my head and on to paper. Writing about the food theme and, as usual, finding a different slant on it. I have a Spark that gives me ideas, especially when I’m walking. Barbara mentioned that in the November column. The outline came Friday when I was walking the Art Walk. Today I will flesh it out and get it sent in and hope that Barbara likes it too.

Day 261

After a breakfast of pepper apple smoked bacon, purple potatoes, and fresh farm eggs, I should be able to leap tall buildings. I’ll settle for a long walk after church. The dogs haven’t had a walk for a week as I wasn’t up to dealing with them. The joy of waking up without a migraine is amazing. I have checks to write and the insurance forms to sign and send back. Busy day. I’ll make it count.

Day 260

And it was fun. The big awakening was how much I want to keep in touch with Roy and Sharon. Aside from meetings at the farmer’s market, we haven’t made a point of being together. We have been friends since 1970 when I went to Pine Grove to teach special ed. Sharon was the secretary and Roy was the psychologist. They made my job work as it was a pilot program. Friends with shared history are precious.

Day 259

Another good plan for today. After the police department duty, I look forward to the Art Walk beginning at 4 PM. Susanne has never been to one, nor have the Krause’s. It may be wet but it’s only water and we can dash between the art sites. There are 17 places. We probably won’t visit the harbor sites. Downtown is plenty. Jon is playing at Wrights. Must see him. There are noshes besides enjoying art and music.

Day 258

Hours on the phone yesterday, decisions made, follow through today with documents galore. Then collect the MRI from the hospital, go to the senior center for lunch duty, Hollie’s class for another writing session with the second graders. Sounds like a good day. My mood has been elevated even though I’m still in an energy slump. I found myself laughing out loud and it was a good thing. I can find joy if I look for it.

Day 257

Obama is president. Being a woman and in the “47%” I will admit to fear that the other guy would dismantle my way of life even faster than it’s going now. Today I will talk with Krause’s about their health insurance and hopefully make a change to a better plan. Another big decision that I have to make alone. There are times when clinging to independence means being open to mistakes in judgment. I do my best.

Day 256

Woke up yesterday with back spasms. Walking helped as did the healing touch of my neighbor Chris. This morning I am modestly better. Headache too. I’m sure I can have a good day. Had a good long talk with Gene about big issues like life and death. He is a good man and friend. I talked with both Gene and Chris about my son’s death and how it is still fogging up my attempts to be present.

Day 255

Yesterday All Saints Day was celebrated at church. I took a picture of Wendell and told how he brought me to St. Paul’s and when I was singing in the choir, he would make up silly words to the hymns and make me laugh. Some of the old timers remembered him for his marvelous singing voice and rare wry humor. I still miss him. He was my best friend for almost thirty years. No walking energy afterwards.

PS

I met Wendell when I was still playing the victim role following the break up of my marriage to an alcoholic. Wendell worked in the alcohol related problems office. I was shaking when I came in and he thought I was cold but I wasn't. I was desperate and at the end of my rope. He struggled to help me and I was beyond listening at that point. He called a woman from Al-Anon who came and talked until I could hear her. That started the years of meetings and understanding until I could accept my half of the dance. Wendell took me to St. Paul's and I found an instant home there. Later, he left church saying that he found himself repeating words that I he no longer felt. We shared books and he became deeply interested in Eastern philosophies and religions. Although we were close for so many years, it was never a romantic relationship. There were people who didn't understand that a man and woman can be friends without any other agenda. My kids called him Uncle Wendell and he was included in our family gatherings. I enjoyed the visits from his children too. He was a chosen family member.

Day 254

After church I have promised to take a walk on the long block. The dogs and I need to move more after a quiet Saturday. My journal needs paint splashed on the pages. I like writing over the paint. That’s why I chose a journal with art quality paper so the pens wouldn’t leak through. I plan to write more this month. October was sparsely documented. Even on the slow days, I learn something new about life.

Day 253

Spent almost four hours yesterday just taking the paper around town. Lots of visiting. Good comments about the cover story and photos. Trish and Katie finally saw Della after more than a year. They were happy to see her with Minnie and Cody. Stopped at Subway on the way home and then had an unusual spurt of domestic energy, cleaned out the refrigerator, rearranged the pans and lids, both things that have been bothering me. Good day.

Day 252

Hollie’s class was fun. We wrote about favorite holidays and there were  some surprisingly good efforts. I asked her when we could add art to the writing time. Kids get very little creative time. Today I distribute senior news. It’s a social duty as I visit along the way with the people who receive the papers. The weather is cooperating too although I don’t mind dodging raindrops. My story is on the front page. That’s fun too.

Day 251

No gallery yesterday and I did review October for the journal. Not much to write about. Seemed to drag by without many notes except the weather. Today, after senior center duty, I get to go to Hollie’s class for the first time this year. She says they will be tired and sugared out from last night. Her group will be split by computer lab so we will work on writing. I’m hoping for an early moon walk.

Day 250

Halloween and the greed monsters will be out. I’ll have a dark house so they will go right on by. This morning I will donate pint number 103 at the blood bank. One more will make 13 gallons. It is easy for me. My blood is a common type, OP, and useful. Later I’m hoping Eileen is well again and I can sit at the gallery and write in my journal. It has been empty this month.

Day 249

Yesterday turned out to be so mild that I didn’t do indoor chores. Two long walks instead, one with the dogs and one with Chris. After reading 47 e-mails this morning from my journal list east coast members, I am doubly blessed by the lovely day I had. Today I want to walk again even with the light rain. While Crystal cleans my house, I’ll walk. I’m back in routine with the PT and neck strengthening exercises. 

Day 248

Today I have another appointment with Tracy. My neck is still not stable and I have done the neck strengthening exercises. I’m hoping today will be the one that gets it in a line. A few errands and the rest of the day is mine. The next rainy day was promised for room cleaning. I noticed the drawers need arranging. I have clothes that I never wear. Time to move them on. Make room for new ones.

Day 247

No agenda for today except church. I am getting into the rhythm of the church again. I want to feel at home there as I once did. Woke up with a headache. It really didn’t go away yesterday even with the Imitrex injection. I don’t want to spend the day just getting by. I want pep, vitality and joy and excitement about life, and gratitude. All those wonderful emotions that are my usual approach to my life.

Day 246

Feels good to have a day with no obligations. Both Hollie and Susanne are coming to visit. Hollie will take her portion of the last farm box and we will talk about the consult with the neurosurgeon in Medford. I offered Mother’s Franciscan pottery apple plates to Susanne. She was tickled and will take them and use them. They have been stashed in a drawer for a decade. I like moving items that I no longer need.

Day 245

Good day coming. First the police department duty. I look forward to checking in there and being useful. Sarah gets a lot done in the evidence room while I sit in front. Then hot/sour soup with Darlene. Haven’t talked to her much lately. Nice to catch up on her news. Get the farm box. Must be near the end of the season. And crowning Friday, a massage from Sarah. That’s the way to end a busy week.

Day 244

Storm stories were shared yesterday. Susanne was traumatized by her alarm system. She tripped, fell, and hurt herself. Eileen and Chris both had spooked dogs as I had three. None of us had any property damage, just lost sleep. Eileen is still ill and finally went to the doctor for help. Just like Hollie, putting up with the symptoms until the bug finally took over. Chris took photos of Eileen to go with the column on creativity.

Day 243

Started the day with an alarm system problem that wouldn’t disarm. After phone calls and three guys giving help, it is safe to open the doors without arousing the police. Yesterday Tut asked me to be my “best self.” I didn’t. I walked away from the lunch table because I cannot tolerate a person who was there. Today Tut says other people come so we can say adios. That was it! I did that. Big fat adios.

Day 242

Wild winter storm last night. Minnie did not want to walk on the hail this morning and it’s all over the walkway and yard. After the conversation with Tracy yesterday I’m considering all possibilities regarding my neck problems. I do have an appointment in Medford next month with a neurosurgeon for a consult. Tracy used Dr. Michelletti’s bad outcome as a reason to try anything else first. I don’t want chronic pain and losing range of motion..

Day 241

After the church service Father David asked when I was going to answer his question, “How are you?” with “Fine, thank you.” instead of a shrug and OK. I blurted that I still don’t know why my son is dead and I’m stuck until I know. It won’t make a difference and I need the information. He said, “Keep coming to church and look for the healing.” I do feel more comfortable there each time I attend.

240

Appreciating porches is the theme for today. I enjoy sitting on the front porch and visiting. Chris and I sat there yesterday and caught up on what’s been going on with us both. I love the sun porch and its addition to keeping the house warm when there is any radiation at all. And I depend on the back porch with its windows, utilities, washer and dryer and above all, hot tub and sauna. My comfortable home.

Day 239

It was pizza and laughing at the PD. There was stuff going on in the community but I wasn’t alone and didn’t have any responsibility except to answer the phone and talk to people at the window. That is what I like to do. Today is relaxation after a few errands and shopping. I want to spend time with Chris. I’ve missed her. Hollie seems recovered from her siege of illness. She was her bright self yesterday.

Day 238

Police department day. I hope it is not as busy as last week. I will admit to feeling stress with the sirens and chases going on. I wonder if I know enough to be helpful. It was a relief when the chief came back and I wasn’t there alone any longer. Most of the time I feel that I aid communication with message taking. That is what I signed up for. Friday farm box is a treat.

Day 237

There is color in my journal! I splashed a little watercolor on yesterday and now words can go over the top. Not that my life is that interesting but I do add tidbits of knowledge that I pick up day by day. Seems I learn something new about human nature by simply listening and watching how people do things. Angeles Arrien says Show Up, Listen, Speak the Truth, and Don’t get attached to the outcome. Good advice.

Day 236

And it was a weary feeling day. Now it’s fair outside and I have a day to look forward to enjoying. Love getting messages from Megan. Our connection makes me deeply grateful. Her busy life reminds me of the days when I had school, job, family and did a juggling act. It worked and I was glad to get the balls out of the air. She is working on a meaningful relationship. It is healthy and authentic.

Day 235

I forgot the dog bath appointment yesterday until Julie called. It was one of the mistakes that made me think I should go back to bed and start over. I did get a good walk before the rain. I voted. Not tip top energy today either. Woke up with another headache. Tracy hopes to get them under control with another chiro treatment next Monday. I’m glad today has only one obligation. I’m free after senior center duty.

Day 234

It was a large gathering of museum people. I like seeing the other volunteers. I sat with MaryLu and Sandy and chatted with Rick and Diane too. As usual, I ate way too much food. Everyone brings their best dishes to potlucks and lots of salads were provided. Karen gave an interesting historical presentation too. Today, after Tracy, I have a few shopping errands and then I will take care of the business of tidying the house. 

Day 233

I had a quiet restful day with a few house straightening items in the afternoon and a spa interlude. Now after another long sleep, I’m ready for Sunday. First I’ll go to church, and then the potluck for the museum volunteers. I’m not taking anything for the potluck. There is always enough food for a small country and I don’t know what to take. If Hollie was well, I’d ask her to make chocolate covered yummy strawberries.

Day 232

Now Gene has brought vermillion, a choice fish that he usually saves for his family. I feel honored and will share it gratefully with my family. It took twelve hours in bed to recover from yesterday’s busyness. I feel that I am fighting off a bug and since I have spent a lot of time with people who cough and sneeze, it is possible that I am. Here’s to immune system strength and taking care of myself.

Day 231

Today, after the police department duty and picking up the farm box, I will fix the other piece of codfish that Gene brought me. His grandson caught it. Makes it even more of a prized gift. There is nothing like fresh caught fish. Gene seems dispirited and it bothers me to see him giving up. He is such a wonderful friend and generous man. The visiting elk broke the apple trees so no good apples this year.

Day 230

Column way exceeded the word limit. I’m sure Barbara will take out a bunch of words. I could have written more people as they like to talk about their talents. I’ll save some for next year. Joan Butler says I need to see a neuro-surgeon. I am in danger of cord problems with the mess in my neck. Today I get to go to Hollie’s class and begin the fun of being in the second grade again.

Day 229

And today words go on paper. My column is usually submitted by now and Barbara likes to have it early. I’ll ask Jon if he will share his music process with me. Then I will have a science fiction writer, photographer/poet, jewelry designer, gourmet cook, and composer. And they are all my friends. I live a rich life. By writing about them, I get to share them with readers of the Senior News. I’ll get it done.

Day 228

Tracy says I’m doing well with the neck I have to work with. It does have problems. Finished my errands early and had a long walk with the dogs. Chris and Jon invited me for hot huckleberry cobbler and ice cream. Yum. I love my friends. Today after senior center duty is writing group. I haven’t written anything to share, not even my column yet. I like how it’s developing about creative people and their creative process.

Day 227

At church I asked for healing and was anointed by Father David. I felt at home for the first time since I came back. I did not take the dogs to the blessing. The rest of the day was quiet and solitary by choice. Hollie is feeling better and going back to school today. I get to go on Thursday and regularly from November on. Today is another trip to Tracy. I’ll give him the MRI report.

Day 226

It was a lovely day! Being in Eileen’s house brought back memories of weekends with Bill Kucha. Those were important events. I liked the women that came for the EFT presentation. Chris, Susanne and I benefitted from the work. It was unexpected. For the first time I asked for consoling for the loss of my son. I worked out the anger that has gone along with the trauma. Today is the blessing of the animals at church.

Day 225

Today I’m going to Gasquet with Chris to a workshop on EFT presented by Eileen’s sister-in-law Joanne SkyWatcher. It will be a small group of women followed by lunch and visiting. I’m going to support Eileen’s effort. I have used EFT before with Marilyn Fox during the therapy for PTSD a dozen years ago. It is interesting and useful. I believe energy medicine is the way of the future. I’m looking forward to meeting new people too.

Day 224

Busy day coming. After the police department duty comes collecting the farm box. Hollie is sick so she doesn’t want her share today. I hope she gets well soon. Teaching is hard enough healthy and catching up after being out for a week will be doubly hard. Susanne and I are going to the reception at Eileen’s gallery and then may go get some dinner. Another of my favorite kind of day; full of parts and people.

Day 223

Yes, it was my favorite kind of day, lots of interesting people. I added two paragraphs to the column on creativity. Artistic people like to talk about how they create their masterpieces whether it’s a prize winning photo or stuffed strawberries. I’m enjoying the interviews and writing about the people. I have interesting and talented friends. Today is senior center duty. Suzanne may come by after her therapy session. I hope she does come. I enjoy her.

Day 222

Back to Tracy this morning. I hope he gets my neck in place. It has been distracting with the aches. I’ll get a copy of the MRI report and give it to him. On to the gallery. I’m looking forward to sitting with my journal. I plan to have detail and color in this one. It’s fun to add crayons and watercolors and then words. I’ll interview Eileen about her creative process. Megan’s cooking process was interesting.

Day 221

Moonlight this morning, glorious sight. Another hot east wind day. Up to 82 yesterday. I get to wear a light weight top that I didn’t get to wear much in the gloomy summer. Crystal will clean my house this morning as I go to the senior center for my duty. Then I plan to take a walk and finish the last three paper drops. Meanwhile I’m already thinking about the next column on creativity and spirit. 

Day 220

At nine o’clock I’ll be out the door to distribute the senior news. It usually turns into a social event seeing people in the places where I leave copies of the paper. I can do the whole town two hours depending on how many times I stop to chat. Then mammogram and the MRI of my neck. I know I have arthritis and I want to find out if something in there is causing the nerve issue.

Day 219

Yesterday started with a migraine and went down hill from there. Just couldn’t get started. Had an edge with the other volunteers at the museum and did the honorable thing and came home. My head was relentless and I gave in to it. Rested. Didn’t try to accomplish anything except chicken soup in the crock pot with a bunch of the farm box vegetables. Even that didn’t lift the gloomy mood. Oh well, all new day today.

Day 218

Took the dogs for a walk yesterday afternoon. We went to the cemetery and saw Harold’s flower covered grave. I was alone at the police department as everyone went to the funeral. It was like a military ceremony. The procession had every piece of fire equipment, all the sheriff’s units, the highway patrol, and the city police. The officers on had their formal uniforms, hats and gloves. It was a testament to the man’s life of service. 

Day 217

Friday, payday, PD day, farm box day, chiro day, foggy day, maybe senior news will come and I can distribute them too. I like days with variety. Yesterday was social both at the center and on the walk with the dogs. We stopped at the museum and also visited Chris and Jon. Eileen called to say sorry that I didn’t know she would be gone. I like the look of my new journal. It starts on Monday.

Day 216

Except Eileen wasn’t there. Then to Gene’s to pick apples only they weren’t ripe. Tired evening. Even the pleasure of Chris’ company to listen to Jon play at Enoteca didn’t get me out of the comfort zone, a restless night full of bizarre dreams and now coffee is attempting to clear the cobwebs. Onward to today leaving all that behind and embracing whatever comes next. I’m enjoying the color in my journal. The weekdays are the theme.

Day 215

What future does a day have that begins with setting off the alarm system? That noise is outrageous on ears that haven’t had any coffee yet. Today is the end of the museum season. I will miss Rick’s conversations. Time with him is precious. Then on the gallery. I have some doodling to do in my journal and sitting in the window is the perfect place for it. I’ll take a handful of pens and enjoy myself.

Day 214

Note to self: Take care of papers in a timely fashion. No more hours of shredding and picking clogs out of the machine. I found tax stuff from 1993! Egads. Safeway said I couldn’t have a shingles shot unless I paid $214. I called Express Scripts and connected with a great info guy. He said call Safeway. I had phones in both ears. It was straightened out and I am now safe from shingles. Insightful productive day.

Day 213

I’m missing messing around with color. I looked at an old journal yesterday and it’s full of color. This current journal looks bare. When did I stop decorating the pages? I’ll look for art journal prompts on the net. Had fun with one last year. The chores are on hold until KY has time to work on the back porch leaky windows. I like getting things finished. I’ll find some fun with paper today. Need to play.

Day 211 & 212

The area back of my left ear is still numb although Tracy has helped a lot with the neck pain. I’m looking forward to the MRI to find out what is going on. I want to buy a chair and have the old one delivered to daily bread thrift. I will get the grey paint shaken up so I can paint the new siding on the barn. The finished kitchen threshold and front door weatherization are installed.

212

Had a wonderful Saturday. I can have another one today. After church I will put another coat of paint on the barn. It looks good. I put the middle seat back in the car and toted out all the old paperwork that has stacked up since 1998. I stuffed the garbage can and then wondered about what happens to the stuff. I’m sure it isn’t available after compacting. I enjoy movement and activity. More progress to come. 

Day 210

After talking with Judy Hutchinson yesterday, I sage smudged my home. She has found puddles in her house too and the guy who lives in Kim’s place hears noises, thumps, and walking. Kim needs to go to the Light. He needs to know we love him always and will remember him. His face book page came up this morning. His son joined three months after his death. That person can live with his denial of his father.

Day 209

No brilliant insights today. I did tell Megan that her tough schedule will not last forever. I’m so proud of her progress and her intentions. She is my replacement unit so I want her to succeed in wherever her path takes her. Joan says she wishes her name was on my lab results. How is it possible to look so well on paper and not have any energy to work with? No comments on my age please.

Day 208

A poor health day yesterday. Today will be an improvement, I’m sure. It will begin with a trip to Joan, followed by the museum and the gallery. There are only two more museum Wednesdays. Then Hollie will be ready to schedule my time with her. I do enjoy the variety in my days. I would appreciate an upswing in vigor. The gloom has taken a toll and I don’t want to wait for the sun to shine.

Day 207

Focusing is still not fully functioning. I’m missing signals and have the feeling that there are messages that I’m not getting. Yesterday I paid attention as well as I’m able and still had the feeling that something is going on. First the mysterious puddles, three of them, and now the cuts on my chair. Is my sanctuary haunted now? What do I need to do or know?  I don’t believe that Kim’s spirit is messing with me.

Day 206

House day. While the dogs are having their monthly bath session, I can dig in and pay attention to dust and cobwebs. Few errands and another trip to the chiro and the day is mine. I have neglected my journal and it is calling me. Another place to pay attention. I’ve been following a Jewish website that calls attention to aging gracefully. It is full of wonderful advice and is poetically written. So today’s theme is attention.

Day 205

Susanne is coming to church with me today. She has missed ritual and wants to experience the little group of Episcopalians and see what it’s like. She was raised catholic and can’t follow the dictates any longer. I’m pleased to share with her. I promised to go regularly until I either find a fit or not. There have been changes and less formality since I dropped out a dozen years ago. Attending does add to my life.

Day 204

Tracy helped my neck. It’s not 100% and it is bearable. Kelle did a remote healing too. I will be gentle today and keep it healing. A pain in the neck is a pain in the neck. I will walk to the farmer’s market and buy peaches again. The season is nearly over. May be the last of them. And an extra duty at the museum. I do like to keep busy with volunteering and being out.

Day 203

I could use an energy boost to get started this morning. Maybe a bacon and avocado sandwich will do the trick. I want a long walk on the way to the police department and back home. Need to get back to daily exercise. Been unable to with my neck hurting. Thrilled to hear from Sharon K. Friends with history are the best kinds. Don’t have to explain who we are or what we’re about. We already know.

Day 202

After the senior center duty, I’m going to Ace hardware to get the blue paint matched and a quart mixed to touch up the front porch and door. I want it to look maintained. That’s the biggest issue with old houses, keeping them repaired and attractive. I did let the house get briny and cob webbed. Can’t have it looking neglected. My neck is revisiting the injury from April. Tracy will have another go at it tomorrow.

Day 201

Sun, again! After the many days of damp gloom, it is refreshing even if the wind blows a bit. Gene would like the ocean to lay flat so he can fish. He brought me fresh and smoked salmon. I have a few fish meals in the freezer to look forward to after the season. I’m enjoying watching Minnie root around in her rock filled bowl to chase every kibble. I actually heard her chew! Onward, new day.

Day 200

Ah the joys of taking out the garbage on one of the few clear warm calm pre-dawn excursions to the curb, hearing the sea lions barking, and enjoying the brilliant sky! Yesterday Minnie had two teeth pulled. She should feel better. The vet suggested putting two rocks on top of her food so she can’t hoover in 20 seconds. It worked. She was the last one finished. Now how do I transfer that to my food habits? 

Day 199

Monday again. I enjoyed a couple of BLT’s with the tomato and lettuce from the farm box and the apple smoked bacon from safeway. Hard to beat that combination. The girls are going to the vet this morning. After that I have a list for Freddy’s. Haven’t been shopping for fun in a long while. I’m looking for a couple of new tops. First, the PT exercises. I’m back into my routine. I want to be healthy.

Day 198

Finishing the column was all I accomplished yesterday. Needed a day off. Today, after church, I want a walk on this sunny day. Have to make the most of nice weather. I’ve already had the heater on for the wet gloom that has been here for days. The water washed the new paint off the porch railings. There are other weatherization projects due soon. There was a cold late spring and now feels like an early winter.

Day 197

The theme for October’s column is health. Editor Barbara's themes are the same each month annually. I like to find a different slant on them. She gives me 500 words and creative use of them. My column will be on the health-giving qualities of smiling. It’s already half written in my head. I want research too. I have sources and can make it sound scientific. I can use September to try it and see if it works. 

Day 196

Kim’s death caught up with me again yesterday. I get sudden tears and a tearing feeling. It started with Jaimie Yarbrough bringing in his dad’s books. He said he couldn’t look at them or he would keep every one. When we were cleaning out Kim’s house I avoided keeping his things except for his Stetson and the folding table. It was better to distribute all the useable items and know they were appreciated. Megan kept some books.

Day 195

The little tiny repaint the porch railings job turned into a big project. Sean found rot and so the whole north railing needs to be replaced. I don’t have enough left over paint for it. I just wanted the top sanded and painted. Oh well, it will be solid and last a long time. I don’t like having unfinished business and I’m surrounded by it. I want to have progress and the enjoyment of the finished work. 

Day 194

O2 is gone. Papers are all out. No electrician yet. Progress and motion, that’s all good. A people day coming up, the museum and the gallery. I have such variety in my week and I love it. Soon I can add second grade to my calendar and that is a pleasure. Not many parents get to see their child at work and Hollie does an exemplary job under difficult circumstances. Teaching gets harder and harder every year.

Day 193

Looking for a spark this morning. Not a rocket, not a bonfire, I’ll settle for a spark. I have loose ends to tie up, distributing the rest of the Senior News to the downtown area after senior center duty, calling the electrician again, and calling Joan Butler again. It’s been almost month since the O2 test and I want to know the result. The oxygen concentrator costs Medicare $581.58 a month rent and I don’t need it.

Day 192

Had another down day. I’m thinking of early last days of vacation. The pull between the excitement of a new school year and the sadness that summer is over. The best one was Hydesville: getting prepared in the brand new school in a community that had never had a Kindergarten with all new furniture and toys, a store room full of art materials, and a positive attitude. I had a full teaching experience and a fun staff.

Day 191

It has been a weak week, lots of down time for no obvious reason. I’m fine except for no go-power. Tried to push myself yesterday but simply didn’t have anything to work with. I missed out on a beach walk with good friends and an early dinner. The comfort zone begins to feel like a trap. And resting doesn’t seem to refresh at all. Today is another opportunity to get moving. Errands and shopping first, then recreation.

Day 190

Dark mornings already. New month to use wisely. My column says I will call people by name all month. Started yesterday in Safeway. I was called by name yesterday at the police department thanks to my name badge. It does make a difference. I hadn’t thought about people using my name, just me calling their names. Interesting insight. Today is the Democrat’s Union breakfast. I won’t work for the election and I did give them a donation. 

Day 189

Last day of August, time to review the month. I do a lot of assessing/ tracking: weather, health, activities, etc. I need a paper trail to document that I’m alive and ticking. I wonder why I keep a personal inventory since I don’t act on it much. Things like PT exercises have lagged this month. Have had low energy and felt the need for rest more than exercise. I have acted on the house and yard list.

Day 188

The puzzle woman may end up as collage. The pieces need names and descriptions. I know I sometimes puzzle myself and have been told that I puzzle other people too. I like the metaphor. We are all the total of our pieces and the sum of our choices. I know that I have made choices that didn’t fit in until some future time when I saw the completed picture. I want to know all of my pieces.

Day 187

Moony night, sunny morning. Another good day coming up. I will leave early for the museum and walk to the office store to have the puzzle woman picture enlarged for a creative project. I like puzzle pieces and have seen their power. Both Megan and Kelle found the exercise important for putting intentions on paper. I’m going to write a lot about all the pieces that are me especially the ones that go out of the lines!

Day 186

Two more must-dos are checked off. I’m wondering why I wait until summer is nearly gone before I work on the list! Old habit from work days when I soaked up every minute of vacation and then burst into energy for the coming year. Today I expect progress on the projects. Ky will come to do the carpentry repairs and the electrician will do his thing. Might be bundled up when I come home from the center.

Day 185

Two items crossed off the summer to-do list: went to church and cleaned out the garden shed. Both have been pressing for attention for some time. Church was comfortable. St. Paul’s is less formal that when I was a regular congregant. It is kind of folksy and welcoming. The shed was another story, not so welcoming. I took everything out and found a couple of deceased rodents. Took inventory, dumped unused items, and reassembled the useful ones.

PS

I think it was 1973 when I met Wendell Peterson in an event I wrote about in another place. He asked me to go to church with him. I was a baptized Episcopalian but had only a surface knowledge of the religion. I felt at home instantly, as though I was reuniting with distant family members. Wendell helped me figure out when to stand, kneel or sit. Soon I was singing in the choir, running off the bulletins on an awful gel mimeograph machine, and generally getting involved. Wendell only attended the service and then would hurry away taking me with him. It was when Wendell suddenly dropped out of church that I enjoyed the socializing after the service and became acquainted with the other congregants. I did everything a lay person can do including reading the sermons on the absence of the priest, delivering communion, carrying the chalice, and becoming the Senior Warden for two priests. I had two periods when I did not attend: one when I went to live in Sonoma for eight months, and after Marilla attacked me. I went back when I returned to Crescent City and when Marilla was replaced. I didn’t ever feel that I fit as well after that experience. I lost trust in some long time friends who made comments that indicated they weren’t sure what happened with Marilla. The fact that half the congregation left with me should have been enough evidence that she was the problem. When I went back I had no desire to do anything except attend services. I didn’t want any responsibility any longer. One Sunday, after communion, I went back to my pew and knelt to pray when big hot tears came. I wasn’t crying. Had no idea where they were coming from or what they were about. Hollie saw the tears and said, It’s almost over, meaning the service. No, I said, It is over, meaning my membership. I felt that I had been dismissed. I tried to go back a couple of times but felt out of place.

This year, on my birthday, I was thinking of the prayer for birthdays and remembered the many birthday blessings I had received there. Over the next couple of months I ran into members who were warm and friendly. No questions were ever asked about my sudden departure. Hymns would hum in my mind, and I would recognize where they came from and feel kind of nostalgic. When both Mike Tompkins and Pat Black entered into the picture, I knew that I was being called back. They didn’t invite or ask questions. They were simply themselves representing the church in the way they live their lives.

So, the ex-pat returned to find a tiny congregation and an informality that was unexpected. I was warmly welcomed and felt at ease and at home. I might just make it a regular thing.

Day 184

Note to self – stay out of Walmart. I feel uncomfortable there. Maybe it’s the construction, maybe not. I found myself saying, I won’t drop dead in Walmart. Am I saying there is a place where I’ll drop dead? I’m going to St. Paul’s this morning. It’s been about 15 years since I left for no apparent reason. Now I want to go back for no apparent reason. Maybe I want to be part of the community again.

Day 183

My year is half over. Time for inventory. I’m still reacting to Kim’s death. There was another intrusive letter from his ex. I didn’t open it, put it in the shredder. What will it take for them to get the message that I don’t want anything to do with them? My volunteer hours give me a reason to get up in the morning, knowing that I will interact with people for at least three or four hours.

Day 182

I popped out of the numbness for a while yesterday. Meeting Bryan Jeffers, a writer looking for a place to share his words, was fun and stimulating. I guess it isn’t unusual for my son’s death to form an empty place. When I get past that barrier I know that I need to remember him by supporting other people. I found one connection for Bryan’s writing. He will write a personality profile for the senior center’s newsletter.

Day 181

Today, today, that’s all I have. Can’t wish away the past. Can’t waste time on futuring either. Today. Time to play a serious game of What Do I Want. Lately I have been doing negative sorting. Yes, it is still sorting, defining what I don’t want, and it’s time to do a turn around and get ready for the day in a positive light. I feel as if I’m waiting for a traffic signal to turn green.

Day 180

Looking forward to seeing Rick at the museum. We find amusing topics to discuss. He has an abundance of interests. Often conversations begin with his current reading. I enjoy his company. Weird John might show up. Non-stop talking about nothing and hard to deflect into his reasons for being there. Mainly he wants an audience. People are what make volunteering worthwhile. Even the strange ones add to knowledge of human nature. I learn something new every day.

Day 179

Lots of laughs and wine with our long time friends who now live in Idaho. It was so good to find out how they are living face-to-face and not just photos and e-mail. Laurie and Dona did a lot of negotiating when Dona first moved in. Mothers and daughters have a special relationship that can either be very good or not. I love the bond that Hollie and I share, and then the bond with Megan too. 

Day 178

Peas, strawberries, peaches! String beans with corn pasta and fresh pesto! I sound like Megan with her foodie posts on FaceBook. She is glowing like a star and thanking the Universe for supporting her intentions. Both she and Hollie are getting the back-to-school mind set. I get a little wistful this time of year. Amazing since I have been out of the school business for a couple of decades and I still get school related anxiety dreams. 

Day 177

Busy days. I like them. Today Laurie and Dona are flying in from Idaho. Dona wants to visit Jake who is in bad condition. Mitzi came to give me the info on a new guest and to tell me that Jon and Chris have listed their house. I don’t want them to leave. It’s been wonderful to have good neighbors. Promised the dogs a good long walk this morning. I’d better get busy and tidy for company.

Day 176

Between face-book, e-mails, phone calls and face-to-face conversations, yesterday was another gold star day. I like the new placement at the police department. I was warmly welcomed and know a bit about what I will be doing. I took info about a stolen bike! Place to start. Randy e-mailed too. We both miss Kim deeply and both resent the sudden intrusion by his exes. I don’t want anything to do with either of them. Leave us alone.

Day 175

Yesterday Tut said, “Do your best today.”  I did. The senior center was a zoo, too many people, ran out of food and air. I ran as soon as my job was completed. Then the serendipity arrived in the form of old friends and new connections. I seem to feel a call to reshape former relationships into current frames. A quick catch-up conversation and then a what’s-going-on-now with plans for getting together in the very near future. 

Day 174

I’m making new connections and nurturing others. The history that comes with long time friends can’t be duplicated and wants to be acknowledged. Hearing from David yesterday reminded me how long we have been in contact. Back when I took over my mother’s business, David straightened out the overseas stocks that were hard to deal with. I have kept track of his family and he has with mine. I have solid support and give a lot also.

Day 173

I want another social day today. Yesterday was full of fun conversations. Writing group started with catch up items. I enjoyed hearing about Carol’s trip to Seattle and adventures along the way. Karen is making progress toward finding acreage in Oregon. My contribution was that I cleaned up the backyard. I don’t have any interest in traveling. I enjoy my life the way it is and I would like to add a stimulating creative project to it.

Day 172

I am burdened with work ethic. Darn it all, I still need to have a product at the end of the day. After my Sunday sloth, I had to double time yesterday. Nice clean yard to show for it. How old do I have to be before I can just BE without having anything to show for it? OK, I do enjoy activity and progress and since I say MOVE is my favorite word, I can’t complain.

Day 171

Well, I confess, yesterday was not productive and it was OK to have a down day. My arms were tired from shoveling and hauling stuff. Today I can go at it and finish what I started. The summer routine includes emptying the barn, garden tools and other items. I like to do that each summer, sweep, air it, and take inventory as I put things back. Another metaphor for taking my internal inventory and sorting it out.

Day 170

Summer was on Saturday this year. And it was glorious! The fog is back this morning and it may clear later. Still working on the chip pile and I want to make a trip to get potting soil for the tub I brought from Kim’s house. I want something colorful for it. Got over my anger at the sympathy card from Jennie and Russell. I want them to leave me alone. I shot back a hot note.

Day 168

Yesterday was wonderful. Lots of connections, e-mails, phone calls, visitors, all positive and mutual. Barbara said my columns “make her soul smile”. Megan is soaring and gives me credit for helping with the lift-off. Doug is coming for the brush., Chris and Jon came over for a good conversation, Hollie caught me up on her life, and I did my exercises and walked. Can’t get much better than that! Today Dr. E. will say “Stable retina” again.

Day 167

What can I do with today that will allow me to end the day with satisfaction? Start with PT exercises, tidy up the house before I leave for the senior center, find a way to get the brush to the transfer station since Chuck didn’t show up again, finish up the September column for Senior News, water Carol’s flowers, laugh out loud at something silly, hug a few people, and say Thank You many times with gratitude,

Day 166

Did the oxymeter test with O2 last night. Hoping not to need the night oxygen and if the test shows the same scores as room air, then I can get rid of the concentrator. I don’t think it makes any difference to sleep or how I feel waking up. So why use the resource. Morning exercise is next, then dust surfaces so Crystal to do only the floors. Museum and gallery today. And a good long walk.

Day 165

Damp and gray again. Had a pleasant evening with Pat and Mike. Long time friends need to be renewed and appreciated. They are good people with their life style reflecting their values. Today, after senior center duty, I will walk downtown and donate blood. It will be the 102nd pint. Maybe I can get to 13 gallons by years end. It is a duty that I do easily and it’s possible to benefit up to eight people. 

Day 164

My big chair and two dogs anchored me yesterday. Ovation showed The Phantom of the Opera. It reminded me of the trip to New York City with Megan. She was enchanted by the production and her back never touched the back of the seat. Thanks to Billy being a chef at 21 at the time, he was available to take her places I didn’t want to go, the subway and the top of the Empire State Building.

Day 163

Gloomy day again. Some sun would be a blessing. The blueberry farm is asking for sun. The berries are late because of the gloom. I’m thinking about getting out the light box and putting it on the table. There were four sunny days in July. The sun makes a difference for everything and everybody. I say I live here because it doesn’t get hot, true, but come on now, sun now and then is a good thing.

Day 162

Two of the brush piles are gone. Two to go and then I’ll create more. There will be at least one more pile from behind the rhody tree where I have stacked stuff for a couple of years. I want the clearing to be a metaphor for clearing my mind as the work is completed. Time to let go of the emotional roller coaster and put forth effort on living well. I have the tools and intention.

Day 161

Russell called again. He wanted to know if we had “taken proper care” of Kim. I was tempted to say, “Ah, we dumped his body down the cliff.” But resisted the urge. He has no right to ask anything. I answered briefly and hung up again. I will monitor my calls for a while. I do not want to speak to him. I can feel the sadness Russell caused his father. Aside from that, an OK day.

Day 160

I did a good job yesterday. Progress and moving along. Had a call from a medical group wanting to know where my son is. I told them. That’s the second call looking for him. Last night his son Russell called. He read about his dad’s death on Randy’s facebook page. He wanted to know why we hadn’t called him. I told him why. There was a long silence. I said good by and hung up the phone.

Day 159

Unfinished business interfered with sleeping last night. Today I have a list of errands and appointments that need to be done. I will get the appointment with Joan, call Pat Black about dinner, call the mortuary about the coroner’s report, finish distributing the Senior News downtown, and make an appointment with Doug at the police department. Then the clutter will move out of my mind and there will be room for something fun. I like keeping current.

Day 158

Yesterday was a good one. Lots of brush piles ready to go. The little yard needs raking. I made three bags of dried leaves and rose branches there. Chuck volunteered, with Hollie’s help, to take it to the transfer station. The yard looks bigger without the bushes and weeds. Then Hollie offered to help me clean the shed. It’s not too bad and needs to have everything taken out, swept, and reassembled. That’s all the summer jobs.

Day 157

Busy Monday. The senior news will be on the porch this morning and I will get it distributed early. Then work on both yards again. I hope to connect with a guy and a pickup truck to take the brush to the transfer station. I will call for an appointment with Joan Butler for a follow-up exam and more talk about the breathing issue. Then get potting soil for another container. Maybe plant petunias. Good active day.

Day 156

The west side of the yard has been overgrown and yesterday I tackled it. Took down all the old branches from the lilac tree and now it looks like a tree and not a bunch of offshoots with weeds behind them. Then the huge daisy bush went down. My plan is to have raised boxes built there for spring planting. My shoulders are tired. Good thing I have a massage this morning. Sarah does good body work.

Day 155

Left the senior center gasping for fresh air, ears ringing, and ready for the peace and quiet of my home. It was a noisy bunch and they were enjoying the birthday festivities. Made me even more grateful for the Tuesday and Thursday duties with the smallest groups in the week! I have time to talk to people and check-up on how they are. Today I will walk, do PT exercises, water orchids, and run a few errands.

Day 154

Minnie is feeling well. She is bouncing around mooching food. When she was eating one kibble at a time, I knew she was sick. That girl can inhale her 1/3 cup of food in about 30 seconds! Chris is flying to Austin this morning, Hollie and I will get her farm box this afternoon. All calm routine except for the extra day I volunteered to do at the senior center. It is the busy birthday party day.

Day 153

Eileen and I had a conversation about friendship yesterday. She recently lost a long time friend to a move to an area with better medical care. As we age our priorities change. Living out in the woods with the river in the front yard loses appeal in light of growing physical needs. Lost friendships cause grief to both who enjoyed morning walks and talks. Nothing takes the place of trusted friends. They are as necessary as breathing.

Day 152

Minnie isn’t feeling well. The vet said it was back pain and I think it’s her stomach. She is too quiet and eating too slowly to be herself. I get the same awful feeling that comes with infants. Helpless to understand or fix the problem. I’m looking forward to the museum and gallery. They both bring interesting people. The tourists like to tell their travel stories and the art lovers like to share about their personal preferences.

Day 151

After the senior center duty it’s writing group. I have nothing new to share today. I haven’t written anything except the column for senior news for several months. Looking through my drawer full of words, I came upon an old essay about death. I sent it to a contest and was given an honorable mention. Since the subject has been on my mind I’m thinking I’ll take it and read it to the group. It’s practical thoughtfulness. 

Day 150

Fifty days ago I was in brain fog after Kim’s death. Forgot things, lost things, unconscious. I pulled down the avocado tree and did serious yard clearance. Felt good to look outside myself and see what I could do. Many days of quiet low energy and then re-upped the physical therapy exercises and moved back into my body. Kelle was here for a fun week. The daily routine is active. All the ashes are spread. Moving again.

Day 149

As soon as I made that statement, my mind toted up a list of misplaced items, forgotten appointments, missteps, attention and time lapses. Those are the ones I’ve noticed. I’m not always as conscious as I would like to be. Maybe it’s time to do the brain exercises again or find new ones that will stimulate the synapses or maybe a brisk walk will help. I am troubled by my mistakes. Time for more paper memory aids.

Day 148

I wish I lived in a culture that celebrated aging and death. Lately it has been on the top of my mind. I look around at the lunch people at the senior center and remember the tables full of people who are gone. I see signs of decline. I can look in the mirror and see the same. I joke that gravity wins as we become shorter and our feet get bigger. My mind still works fine.

Day 147

Most of yesterday was great. I enjoy my family. Then the not-so-great part was visiting my friend Gene. He is going downhill fast. When he gave up growing a garden, I knew he was feeling bad. This man has been in motion his whole life. Now the slowing down is galloping. He said he wants to finish the fishing season and then he is ready to give up living. I have no words of wisdom about this.

Day 146

Another fun family day coming up. Megan is coming to swim with Hollie and her friends this morning and then they are coming to have lunch with me at the senior center. Taco salad is a great entrée. Megan wants to spread some of Kim’s ashes. I saved her plenty of them for her use. I don’t know if she has a place in mind or if she plans to take them back to Arcata with her.

Day 145

Good day at the senior center. Lots of laughing and talking. When it’s a slow day, I often get itchy to get out of there. Depends on the people who come to lunch. Maggie made me strawberry shortcake to bring home since I won’t be there today. I felt that sense of belonging that I like. Today will also be a good day. Rick will be at the museum and I’m the front person at the gallery.