Day 366

Today is New Year’s Eve. Like Janus, I look backward and forward, looking for high spots, successful events, places where course corrections and changes are appropriate. I will go through the daily log and account for the days of my 77^th year. With this blog, I kept track of activities and feelings about what I have chosen to do Are my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual selves in balance? What parts need attention in my 78^th year?

Day 365

Started the day with coffee, an Imitrex injection, and the netti pot. Suddenly not well yesterday afternoon, came home and went to bed. It was busy at the police department. Calls about sightings of the bank robber. I took the information for the detective. FBI is on board. Two bad guys were caught that have been hiding out for weeks. Sometimes I think I learn more about Crescent City than I need to know. Back to bed.

Day 364

Megan posted on FB that she missed her Uncle Kim. Interesting that we are both thinking about him. I’m glad she connected with him. Call from Cillay asking for a FB post about Pat’s husband and Joyce’s brother needing prayers. I’ll figure out how to do that for them. I don’t know if my brother is alive. Oh, heavy thoughts this morning. Bound to happen at my age. Losing people is never easy or without a burden.

Day 363

Planted lettuce on the sunporch. The green onions are poking up on the back deck. I’m so ready for spring. I know we have days of rain coming. Today I want another interesting senior center duty then on the Hollie’s class. I turned down the invitation to participate in Spring Arts Day. It reminds me of doing it last year with a fog brain after Kim’s death. Stumble, forget what I was saying, not focusing. Sad memory.

Day 362

I’m pushing the calendar. Picked up pea seeds yesterday after returning the TV. The Sony can be repaired, so no new one to wrestle with. Yesterday the senior center was actually interesting. Most days are routine so it was good to have fun conversations and get to know more about the guests. They are my peers. And the food was good too. Today, a massage by Sarah, then an open agenda. The journal still waits for inspiration.

Day 361

Sending Valentines rewarded me with replies from people at a distance. Valentines are my version of Christmas cards, personal notes to those I don’t see or hear from often. I keep connections to significant people who have shared the journey with me. The new power cord to the TV was not rewarding. It doesn’t work either. The company says the set is faulty. Today I’ll tote it back to the store. Do I want to try again?

Day 360

Writing with Della on my lap. She is convinced that there is a mouse behind the desk and is checking out the mouse on the desk too. Her investigation knocked books out and I picked up two to put in the recycling. While the dogs are at the groomers, I will journal and decide, late, what I want to add or subtract for Lent. I have a nagging sense that it is important to shape an intention.

Day 359

Feeling brisk energy and already darting around picking up items that waited for attention and putting them where they belong. I like simplicity. I moved out the basket of material that I know I won’t use and the box of rubber stamps is going next. The back closet is nearly cleared of unused stuff. There are still clothes that I enjoyed and can’t let go of yet. The less stuff I own, the better I like it.

Day 358

Feeling mellow. Massage does that for me. Today I want to write. My journal is underused lately and I have thoughts that I want to save. Wondering if I want to blog again. This has been interesting. I do not feel that my entries are different from when I wrote them privately. I can say that I have enjoyed the responses and wish there were comments. Maybe I can learn more computer options and add more. Hmm….

Day 357

Today I will walk to the police department. Haven’t been out much in the cold wind. Later my body will be treated to a massage with Karen Rath. Oh, I’m looking forward to that. The sugar fest yesterday was great. Turning the kids loose with all those Valentine choices was amazing. The class was appreciative of their creations. I will think up art projects for them for the rest of the school year. Good for me too.

Day 356

Valentine’s Day and I will contribute to sending Hollie’s class home all sugared up. The cupcakes are ready for the seven seven-year olds to decorate with a variety of pink and red icings and candy hearts and gummy things that kids like. I’m looking forward to watching the creativity and the sharing of their art project. They are her responsible students and are wonderful children to work with. Since Hollie is retiring, I get to retire also.

Day 355

Hollie decided to retire from a remark at a meeting. Barbara Clark was inspired to retire from hearing a poem. She says the meaning of 12-21-12 was CHANGE. That day I stayed in and did nothing. Since then I have an empty restlessness. I have been questioning  satisfaction with my choices. I fear a void, feeling that I need an agenda to mark time. I like variety in my days and weeks. My antennae are searching.

PS

For a New Beginning

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,

Where your thoughts never think to wander,

This beginning has been quietly forming,

Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,

Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,

Noticing how you willed yourself on,

Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety

And the gray promises that sameness whispered,

Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,

Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,

And out you stepped onto new ground,

Your eyes young again with energy and dream,

A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear

You can trust the promise of this opening;

Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning

That is at one with your life's desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;

Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;

Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,

For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

~ John O'Donohue ~

Day 354

Started great and limped along by afternoon. Set up the TV after struggling to get the old set disconnected and found that the power cord was not the right one. Called tech support and a new cord in a week. I was happy with figuring it out. Reading from a diagram is not a skill that I do fluently. Today I will do the heart cutting lesson with Hollie’s class before the two usual duties and errands.

Day 353

Monday again and an opportunity to start over. I have a list of errands and shopping. The cupboard is bare. Lots of needs like dog food, eye drops, calcium tablets and a new TV. Another call to the doctor’s office to get the prescriptions straightened out and ask how that girl can keep her job. The new journal has a cover that I like a lot. It reminds me of the deeply meaningful women's retreat in 2002.

Day 352

Quick synopsis of yesterday – stayed in bed. Wait, I did make soup and push the go button on the dishwasher. Just no energy, no motivation, no interest. The Bishop is coming to church today. I will go and be part of the event. It’s an opportunity to act “as if.” If I had energy, motivation, and interest, I would interact with others, enjoy the service, be grateful and be blessed for the effort at moving toward normalcy.

Day 351

Still out of step with the Universe. Am I going to wind up my 77^th year on a downer? Bright spot was a message from Megan. She is owning her new life and making adjustments. She is inspiring with her desire to live the life she envisioned. Sure, there are rough spots and a long look at what has already been accomplished will get her across them. Now, what can I do to tame my copeless attitude?

PS

There is one more warning label we should pay attention to: Loneliness may be hazardous to your health. There are unpredictable life events that can create stress. Stress brings problems emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. Losing one’s place due to loss of a family member, retirement or job loss, and moving to a new location are three of the top stressors we can endure that happen to us all at one time or another. Staying alone too long can lead to depression or alcohol use, feelings of rejection and loss of self-confidence. These are not healthy states of mind.

One serious symptom is rarely diagnosed. It is loneliness. Suddenly being out of step with routine can shake us up and make us feel out of balance. It is easy to stay alone to deal with the changes. The anti-dote takes effort and the rewards are great. It takes courage to step out into the community to make a new place, new friends, new uses of skills and learning new skills. One place to start is at a senior center where groups meet for meals, classes, exercises, games, and socializing. It is a place to find peers, people who have had the same presidents, the same issues, and are seeking friendship and support. Another place to lift loneliness is a church family. Most churches have coffee hours after services where the members talk and get acquainted. Like minded people find lots of common beliefs and interests. There are clubs, service organizations, and lodges where people get together for mutual goals. Getting exercise helps loneliness dissolve. Swimming, exercise classes, walking groups, nature walks, or just walking around the community can change perspective and enliven interest and curiosity about what is available to do and see. Once I saw a poster for children’s art classes. Doing something with art was one thing I wanted to pursue now that I was retired so I took a risk and asked if an ‘old child’ could enroll. I had a wonderful experience and learned a lot. I found that I enjoyed watercolor painting. I also took an art class at the college and learned more techniques plus more interesting people to work and play with. There are other creative projects that have group activities such as quilting or fabric painting.

Volunteering fills in the need for structure and uses time well. By giving away our time and talents, we enrich ourselves and our communities.

All it takes is reaching out to find a new place for living healthy and satisfying living.

Day 350

I hope today works better than yesterday. Started out fine and went downhill fast. Hollie fell at work, was shocky and in pain from her neck. Met her at Urgent Care but she wouldn’t let me help. She decided to retire at the end of the year. The incredible pressure without support was enough. Then my prescription arrived wrong for the third time. No response from my call to the doctor. And the TV won’t work. Egads.

Day 349

Felt good to have proactive reasons to be distributing senior news and handling petitions and talking about the cause. People feel powerless against the system so I quoted the Dalai Lama, “If you think small doesn’t matter, try sleeping in the room with a mosquito.” It brought laughter and hope. My goal is fill another petition today along with my duties to senior center and Hollie’s class. It’s better to make an effort than to give up.

Day 348

From doing nothing to a full day. The papers arrived and I wanted to distribute half before senior center duty. I planned to finish them after the gallery but my energy didn’t last. A pizza restored me for the evening. Today, lots of errands and catch-up. I’m taking petitions to the senior apartments to stop Sutter Coast from taking local control from the hospital. It is a vital issue and concerns the old and poor the most.

Day 347

No papers again and it was a relief because I could not muster enough energy to lift a finger much less do anything productive. So, the papers will be late this month. I can’t distribute them until I get them. Today is senior center duty plus sitting the gallery. Part of me would like to sit under my fuzzy blanket and stare at reruns. I will overcome the urge and do what I say I will do.

Day 346

No word from Marlene about Gene. I’ll get busy with duties. The senior news is sure to be here this morning. That takes a couple of hours and I can make it fun. Painting the window frames must be done as it may rain tomorrow. Yesterday I just plain forgot to do it. My mind doesn’t focus well when a shock comes. I found the dog water-dish completely dry. And I can’t even cope with my hair.

Day 345

Every time I pop up and feel well-being, another blow hits and I sink again. I’m not ready to lose my friend Gene. I have watched his decline and know how miserable he has been. Giving up gardening, letting Ted take him fishing, not driving, and constant pain have diminished his body but not his spirit. He is the most generous person I know. Thursday I called him and the conversation was confused. His brain was bleeding.

Day 344

No papers came yesterday and so my day plan changed and that will change my Monday plans. I say I am flexible but I did get grumpy about no papers and no phone call from Josey’s delivery service that I asked for. Today the painting will happen. All the caulk etc will be dry and ready to be covered. The sun makes a wonderful difference. People get out and enjoy the winter air. Makes spring seem close.

Day 343

The Senior News will be on the porch this morning. I can distribute half of them before I go to the PD and finish after. My column is on loneliness as a health hazard. I wish I had included the AA warning: Don’t get too tired, too angry, or too lonely. Those conditions are dangerous to us all. I get lots of walking taking the papers around town and visiting on the way. It’s a good life.