Day 311

Restless night, disturbing dream episodes that must have spawned from food network shows and watching Suddenly Last Summer. Egads. No headache this morning so I’m hoping for a better day. I need to get out of the house for at least a little while. May take the papers downtown. It’s kind of a half-holiday and some places may be closed. There’s always Wednesday for completing the duty. I do enjoy seeing people on the route. Onward. Upward.

Day 310

Positive thinking is not always enough. I like the optimistic part of me and am disappointed when I can’t live up to my intentions. I’ll have to call Barbara and say that wanting her to come for art and distributing the paper is not enough to overcome my low health and non-existent energy. I feel awful. Not a medical term but understandable anyway. Today my agenda will be sit under my blankie and sulk at missing out.

Day 309

The only bright thing around here this morning is the moon with its ice-crystal halo shining in the skylight. I feel dull and unfocused, again. I notice magical thinking about how taking down the 2012 calendars and putting up the new ones will open up to life energy again and I will rise up to my best care and use of myself. Let’s see now, when did wishing ever make it so? Grab yourself and move now.

Day 308

Maybe I will address the paper piles on the kitchen table, or not. There are booklets about the new health and pharmacy insurances that I enrolled in. I’m sure nobody reads them unless there’s a problem. Today I will get out again, to the PD for a couple of hours so Sarah can go to lunch. I’m feeling OK though not dancing and singing yet. I’m going to have parchment-baked salmon for dinner with lemon and garlic.

Day 307

I didn’t exchange a word with another human being yesterday. Dozed and sat with the TV and the dogs. Did the trick. I feel better. It’s still dark and wet and I’m going out to do my senior center duty. I’ll talk to Barbara and maybe a trip here can fit into her plans. I would enjoy having her with me distributing the senior news. I’d like her to see the places and people on the route.

Day 306

Another wet and dark day and I will stay in and quiet again. Just not feeling at all energetic or motivated. The comfort zone is appealing and readily available. Yesterday Chris brought me a plate of their Christmas dinner. I had left over soup but her plate was toothsome and made with love. So there was a Christmas dinner after all. Lots of phone conversations and exchanges of greetings. Today will bring one new minute of daylight.

Day 305

The Christmas service at St. Paul’s was just right. The church looked beautiful with greens and poinsettias. The music, not so much. Donna was ill and Al Halls stepped in at the last moment and was awful. We could have had a better carol sing without his hesitant and wrong note renditions. It did make it homey and everyone did their best to sing along. Fr. David gave a homily about the good guys in the world.

PS
It's the time of year to express gratitude for the blessings of daily life. I can't think of enough words to fully write about what wonderful people I get to know. So I will begin with Chris. Chris brings me surprises whether it's cookies, sweaters for Della or simply herself. She has been a gift to me, the first good neighbor in all the years I have lived here and a very interesting friend who allows me to be part of her spiritual journey. 

Day 304

Errands and shopping today. Dog food, tooth paste, that kind of stuff. I  wish I had something festive to look forward to doing. I suppose I could have planned something myself except I assume everyone else has a social life and family get-togethers. So, what can I do today that will alleviate the prevailing heaviness of the past couple of weeks? I can get out and walk as this is the only day without a rain forecast. 

Day 303

After a week of minimal connection to the outside, I’m ready to re-engage. I sat in front of the TV every minute that I wasn’t taking care of responsibilities. The only exercise has been walking to the kitchen. The Sy-fy channel had some wonderfully tacky low-budget catastrophe films in honor of Mayans and Hallmark has supplied smarmy holiday films. The dark, the shooting, and Christmas got to me. Not the way I intend to use my life.

Day 302

Dark morning. Noisy hail shower. I may light the candle now instead of waiting for sunset. The ritual came from Hollie. Better to light one candle than to curse the dark. It helps to have the candle light. It takes awhile to notice the new minutes of daylight. I will enjoy the baklava that Chris brought me. She remembers what we talk about. What a heart connection we have! I was waiting for her to come here.

Day 301

Solstice Day, the shortest day of the year and the birthday of the Sun. It can begin growing again. My mood has been dark too. I do what I say I’ll do and that is all. Clearly I have been closed up since the shootings a week ago. Today I will go to the police department duty and then shop for the weekend. I have no agenda and don’t need one. Being quiet is enough for now.

Day 300

I talked with my therapist friend Marilyn Fox and felt my insides moving back where they belonged. Flash-backs to other shocks add up. Years ago she treated me for PTSD resulting from unresolved grief. Marilyn reminded me of the tools I have for coping in a healthy way. So, onward. Outside the storm is raging. Hollie is sick, so no second grade this afternoon. I’m guessing that the senior center number will be small in this weather.

Day 299

All was not well. The first graders came to sing carols at the center and I had what I guess was an anxiety attack. My mind kept seeing the rows of children falling from bullets. I had to leave feeling the come-aparts were going to explode in me. I looked at the others who were smiling and enjoying the children and no one else seemed uncomfortable. It brought up the shock and helplessness of Kim’s unexpected death.

Day 298

The kids were great yesterday. They were quiet and played along with the act that Hollie and I do. And their products were wonderful, a whole wall of star-shaped Santa Claus complete with cotton beards. Today I will enjoy the senior center people and my duty there. Besides the paper work, I like to greet and talk to them, give compliments, and in general, add to their enjoyment of the meal. All is well in my world.

Day 297

297

A quote from “2150AD”: A measure of personal evolution is acceptance of the unacceptable. Guess I have a few more miles to go. I stopped watching the coverage and concentrated on being present. It stops the anxiety and hypervigilance for a while. Today I will enjoy fully the attention from the second graders when I do my mimed star Santa lesson. It is my hammy silly self that does it. I can make them smile and giggle.

Day 296

Hollie and I walked in the rain and wind yesterday hoping to feel something other than grief. She was looking for any part of the awfulness that she could feel grateful for. Her class of seven year olds all went home to their families but that wasn’t enough. I think she was trying to make sense out of it. There is no sense to find. We shopped a little hoping for the distraction of the everyday necessities.

Day 295

The school shooting sent me into a blubbering mess. One of the best things about Kindergartners was looking at their faces when they were listening and watching everything I said and did. The trust and openness to new ideas and new skills was right there in their faces. I hope he killed the teacher first. The horror of watching children being shot would be the last thing she saw before her own death. I loved teaching Primary.

Day 294

There are times when positive thinking and good intentions aren’t enough. Yesterday the headache did not abate with the Imitrex injection and the sore digestive system demanded a rest so I spent the day in the house instead of out in the world participating. My body rules. It’s hard to go any place without it. Today I’m up and about and ready for the police department. I missed the poinsettia construction project with Hollie’s class. Oh well.

Day 293

Finally I have an alarm system that works! The magnet was gone from the sliding door. Mystery. Couldn’t find it anywhere so the new one has extra sticky stuff on it. The gallery was fun yesterday. I like it when people come in to look at the art work. Gail’s wolves are a big attraction. Today I’m looking forward to the center and Hollie’s class. Maybe a brisk walk afterwards. The dogs and  I need the exercise. 

Day 292

12/12/12. Last time in this century these dates will occur. Still no alarm tech. I called at 2:30 to say that the tech didn’t come yesterday at 2:30. He said I hung up on him. I said he disconnected. There are sorely needed communications and courtesy lessons by this co. The writers’ lunch was great. Both Karen and Darlene have sold their houses and will be leaving soon. No more writing group unless we recruit new people.

Day 291

Yesterday morning was beautiful. It was calm, clear, inviting, a rare December day. and enjoying it didn’t happen. The alarm wouldn’t arm. I called for service at 8AM and was told I would get called about when I would be helped. Hours went by. I called again at 1PM. 2:30, he said. No. that didn’t happen. I waited all day and nobody showed up. I was upset. The company showed no respect for my time or safety.

Day 290

Today I’m splashing color in my journal, doing a few errands, going for another long walk with the girls and looking around for something else to do. I’m sure it’s the sunshine that has brightened my attitude and motivation. I need to be in motion, inside or outside, to feel well and satisfied with how I’m living my life. Yesterday I became friends with Alicia. First time we have had time to get to know each other.

Day 289

Munching on  gingerbread people with my coffee. Pat Black brought a plate of them. Yum. Yesterday was satisfying. Chased dust bunnies out from corners, cleaned the vacuum cleaner, roasted a chicken then turned on the oven cleaner, cleaned behind the washing machine, cleaned the sauna and washed the towels, cleaned the hot tub, cleaned the air cleaner, cleaned under the kitchen sink to make room for the trash can so Della can’t get into it. Wonderful day!

Day 288

I’m beginning to have answers to the FAQs at the police department. Makes me feel more useful than when I have to run and ask every time. I do like the connection there. The senior center volunteer party was pleasant. A ton of catered food and I loved every bite. Today I want to enjoy being home without an agenda. I will dust a little as the Advent rosary prayers will be here this evening. Good life.

Day 287

Tut’s advice is give myself permission to doodle, daydream, be totally unproductive and relish the interludes. It’s hard for me to give up taking an inventory at the end of the day without some product to show for the hours. Even if I list that I pushed the button on the dishwasher, at least I did something! Yet I tell other people that it’s OK to take a day off from duties and responsibilities and just be.

Day 286

I want to walk again today. I enjoy being out. The wind was brisk and I sailed home from the gallery! I sent in the January column early. The ideas were there so I put them in black and white and off they went to Barbara. I’m getting used to writing 400 words. For some reason 500 words are easier to write than 400. I do more censoring and tightening with fewer words. I enjoy the opportunity,

Day 285

Yesterday I told Robert that it was my day for accepting compliments and he paid me one. Also had positive remarks about my writing and one about smiling at people when they come into the senior center. Kay Adams sent a permission slip for the use of my work in her newest book that will be published soon. Two phone calls and one visitor who just wanted to tell me good things about my support and caring.

Day 284

Breszny says it’s time to write celebratory stories. I could write them all day long! My life is full of gratitude for who I am and what I do. Yesterday was an example of people asking me to use my resources to connect them to what they needed to have or know. I did. I have a network of people, places, and things and love to put them together. Maybe I’ll get to do it again today.

Day 283

Chris and I did have a pleasant time at the tea. It was kind of crowded and noisy but still fun. I saw people I know and had some quick catch up conversations. I sat with Trish and Katie and ate tiny sandwiches and tiny cookies etc. The decorations were well done and the piano player was not too loud with his Christmas songs. Nice event. Then, thankfully, I had quiet for the rest of the day.

Day 282

The guest has still not arrived. Long night’s drive from LA. Stormy night and I feel unrested this morning. Church first and then down the street to Anna Wulf House for the Habitat for Humanity Tea with Chris. Neither of us is comfortable in social groups of people we don’t know well so we will depend on each other to have a good time. Then I would like to have the rest of the day to myself.

Day 281

Another busy day out with people. I’ll work at the Christmas show at the fairgrounds in the museum booth with Rick Bennett. We hope to sell a lot of books as gifts. Yesterday I distributed the north half of the senior news and can finish that up on Monday. The guest is supposed to arrive about 5 PM and if she does then I will go to Pat Black’s house for the Advent rosary group. All good.