Day 189

Last day of August, time to review the month. I do a lot of assessing/ tracking: weather, health, activities, etc. I need a paper trail to document that I’m alive and ticking. I wonder why I keep a personal inventory since I don’t act on it much. Things like PT exercises have lagged this month. Have had low energy and felt the need for rest more than exercise. I have acted on the house and yard list.

Day 188

The puzzle woman may end up as collage. The pieces need names and descriptions. I know I sometimes puzzle myself and have been told that I puzzle other people too. I like the metaphor. We are all the total of our pieces and the sum of our choices. I know that I have made choices that didn’t fit in until some future time when I saw the completed picture. I want to know all of my pieces.

Day 187

Moony night, sunny morning. Another good day coming up. I will leave early for the museum and walk to the office store to have the puzzle woman picture enlarged for a creative project. I like puzzle pieces and have seen their power. Both Megan and Kelle found the exercise important for putting intentions on paper. I’m going to write a lot about all the pieces that are me especially the ones that go out of the lines!

Day 186

Two more must-dos are checked off. I’m wondering why I wait until summer is nearly gone before I work on the list! Old habit from work days when I soaked up every minute of vacation and then burst into energy for the coming year. Today I expect progress on the projects. Ky will come to do the carpentry repairs and the electrician will do his thing. Might be bundled up when I come home from the center.

Day 185

Two items crossed off the summer to-do list: went to church and cleaned out the garden shed. Both have been pressing for attention for some time. Church was comfortable. St. Paul’s is less formal that when I was a regular congregant. It is kind of folksy and welcoming. The shed was another story, not so welcoming. I took everything out and found a couple of deceased rodents. Took inventory, dumped unused items, and reassembled the useful ones.

PS

I think it was 1973 when I met Wendell Peterson in an event I wrote about in another place. He asked me to go to church with him. I was a baptized Episcopalian but had only a surface knowledge of the religion. I felt at home instantly, as though I was reuniting with distant family members. Wendell helped me figure out when to stand, kneel or sit. Soon I was singing in the choir, running off the bulletins on an awful gel mimeograph machine, and generally getting involved. Wendell only attended the service and then would hurry away taking me with him. It was when Wendell suddenly dropped out of church that I enjoyed the socializing after the service and became acquainted with the other congregants. I did everything a lay person can do including reading the sermons on the absence of the priest, delivering communion, carrying the chalice, and becoming the Senior Warden for two priests. I had two periods when I did not attend: one when I went to live in Sonoma for eight months, and after Marilla attacked me. I went back when I returned to Crescent City and when Marilla was replaced. I didn’t ever feel that I fit as well after that experience. I lost trust in some long time friends who made comments that indicated they weren’t sure what happened with Marilla. The fact that half the congregation left with me should have been enough evidence that she was the problem. When I went back I had no desire to do anything except attend services. I didn’t want any responsibility any longer. One Sunday, after communion, I went back to my pew and knelt to pray when big hot tears came. I wasn’t crying. Had no idea where they were coming from or what they were about. Hollie saw the tears and said, It’s almost over, meaning the service. No, I said, It is over, meaning my membership. I felt that I had been dismissed. I tried to go back a couple of times but felt out of place.

This year, on my birthday, I was thinking of the prayer for birthdays and remembered the many birthday blessings I had received there. Over the next couple of months I ran into members who were warm and friendly. No questions were ever asked about my sudden departure. Hymns would hum in my mind, and I would recognize where they came from and feel kind of nostalgic. When both Mike Tompkins and Pat Black entered into the picture, I knew that I was being called back. They didn’t invite or ask questions. They were simply themselves representing the church in the way they live their lives.

So, the ex-pat returned to find a tiny congregation and an informality that was unexpected. I was warmly welcomed and felt at ease and at home. I might just make it a regular thing.

Day 184

Note to self – stay out of Walmart. I feel uncomfortable there. Maybe it’s the construction, maybe not. I found myself saying, I won’t drop dead in Walmart. Am I saying there is a place where I’ll drop dead? I’m going to St. Paul’s this morning. It’s been about 15 years since I left for no apparent reason. Now I want to go back for no apparent reason. Maybe I want to be part of the community again.

Day 183

My year is half over. Time for inventory. I’m still reacting to Kim’s death. There was another intrusive letter from his ex. I didn’t open it, put it in the shredder. What will it take for them to get the message that I don’t want anything to do with them? My volunteer hours give me a reason to get up in the morning, knowing that I will interact with people for at least three or four hours.

Day 182

I popped out of the numbness for a while yesterday. Meeting Bryan Jeffers, a writer looking for a place to share his words, was fun and stimulating. I guess it isn’t unusual for my son’s death to form an empty place. When I get past that barrier I know that I need to remember him by supporting other people. I found one connection for Bryan’s writing. He will write a personality profile for the senior center’s newsletter.

Day 181

Today, today, that’s all I have. Can’t wish away the past. Can’t waste time on futuring either. Today. Time to play a serious game of What Do I Want. Lately I have been doing negative sorting. Yes, it is still sorting, defining what I don’t want, and it’s time to do a turn around and get ready for the day in a positive light. I feel as if I’m waiting for a traffic signal to turn green.

Day 180

Looking forward to seeing Rick at the museum. We find amusing topics to discuss. He has an abundance of interests. Often conversations begin with his current reading. I enjoy his company. Weird John might show up. Non-stop talking about nothing and hard to deflect into his reasons for being there. Mainly he wants an audience. People are what make volunteering worthwhile. Even the strange ones add to knowledge of human nature. I learn something new every day.

Day 179

Lots of laughs and wine with our long time friends who now live in Idaho. It was so good to find out how they are living face-to-face and not just photos and e-mail. Laurie and Dona did a lot of negotiating when Dona first moved in. Mothers and daughters have a special relationship that can either be very good or not. I love the bond that Hollie and I share, and then the bond with Megan too. 

Day 178

Peas, strawberries, peaches! String beans with corn pasta and fresh pesto! I sound like Megan with her foodie posts on FaceBook. She is glowing like a star and thanking the Universe for supporting her intentions. Both she and Hollie are getting the back-to-school mind set. I get a little wistful this time of year. Amazing since I have been out of the school business for a couple of decades and I still get school related anxiety dreams. 

Day 177

Busy days. I like them. Today Laurie and Dona are flying in from Idaho. Dona wants to visit Jake who is in bad condition. Mitzi came to give me the info on a new guest and to tell me that Jon and Chris have listed their house. I don’t want them to leave. It’s been wonderful to have good neighbors. Promised the dogs a good long walk this morning. I’d better get busy and tidy for company.

Day 176

Between face-book, e-mails, phone calls and face-to-face conversations, yesterday was another gold star day. I like the new placement at the police department. I was warmly welcomed and know a bit about what I will be doing. I took info about a stolen bike! Place to start. Randy e-mailed too. We both miss Kim deeply and both resent the sudden intrusion by his exes. I don’t want anything to do with either of them. Leave us alone.

Day 175

Yesterday Tut said, “Do your best today.”  I did. The senior center was a zoo, too many people, ran out of food and air. I ran as soon as my job was completed. Then the serendipity arrived in the form of old friends and new connections. I seem to feel a call to reshape former relationships into current frames. A quick catch-up conversation and then a what’s-going-on-now with plans for getting together in the very near future. 

Day 174

I’m making new connections and nurturing others. The history that comes with long time friends can’t be duplicated and wants to be acknowledged. Hearing from David yesterday reminded me how long we have been in contact. Back when I took over my mother’s business, David straightened out the overseas stocks that were hard to deal with. I have kept track of his family and he has with mine. I have solid support and give a lot also.

Day 173

I want another social day today. Yesterday was full of fun conversations. Writing group started with catch up items. I enjoyed hearing about Carol’s trip to Seattle and adventures along the way. Karen is making progress toward finding acreage in Oregon. My contribution was that I cleaned up the backyard. I don’t have any interest in traveling. I enjoy my life the way it is and I would like to add a stimulating creative project to it.

Day 172

I am burdened with work ethic. Darn it all, I still need to have a product at the end of the day. After my Sunday sloth, I had to double time yesterday. Nice clean yard to show for it. How old do I have to be before I can just BE without having anything to show for it? OK, I do enjoy activity and progress and since I say MOVE is my favorite word, I can’t complain.

Day 171

Well, I confess, yesterday was not productive and it was OK to have a down day. My arms were tired from shoveling and hauling stuff. Today I can go at it and finish what I started. The summer routine includes emptying the barn, garden tools and other items. I like to do that each summer, sweep, air it, and take inventory as I put things back. Another metaphor for taking my internal inventory and sorting it out.

Day 170

Summer was on Saturday this year. And it was glorious! The fog is back this morning and it may clear later. Still working on the chip pile and I want to make a trip to get potting soil for the tub I brought from Kim’s house. I want something colorful for it. Got over my anger at the sympathy card from Jennie and Russell. I want them to leave me alone. I shot back a hot note.

Day 168

Yesterday was wonderful. Lots of connections, e-mails, phone calls, visitors, all positive and mutual. Barbara said my columns “make her soul smile”. Megan is soaring and gives me credit for helping with the lift-off. Doug is coming for the brush., Chris and Jon came over for a good conversation, Hollie caught me up on her life, and I did my exercises and walked. Can’t get much better than that! Today Dr. E. will say “Stable retina” again.

Day 167

What can I do with today that will allow me to end the day with satisfaction? Start with PT exercises, tidy up the house before I leave for the senior center, find a way to get the brush to the transfer station since Chuck didn’t show up again, finish up the September column for Senior News, water Carol’s flowers, laugh out loud at something silly, hug a few people, and say Thank You many times with gratitude,

Day 166

Did the oxymeter test with O2 last night. Hoping not to need the night oxygen and if the test shows the same scores as room air, then I can get rid of the concentrator. I don’t think it makes any difference to sleep or how I feel waking up. So why use the resource. Morning exercise is next, then dust surfaces so Crystal to do only the floors. Museum and gallery today. And a good long walk.

Day 165

Damp and gray again. Had a pleasant evening with Pat and Mike. Long time friends need to be renewed and appreciated. They are good people with their life style reflecting their values. Today, after senior center duty, I will walk downtown and donate blood. It will be the 102nd pint. Maybe I can get to 13 gallons by years end. It is a duty that I do easily and it’s possible to benefit up to eight people. 

Day 164

My big chair and two dogs anchored me yesterday. Ovation showed The Phantom of the Opera. It reminded me of the trip to New York City with Megan. She was enchanted by the production and her back never touched the back of the seat. Thanks to Billy being a chef at 21 at the time, he was available to take her places I didn’t want to go, the subway and the top of the Empire State Building.

Day 163

Gloomy day again. Some sun would be a blessing. The blueberry farm is asking for sun. The berries are late because of the gloom. I’m thinking about getting out the light box and putting it on the table. There were four sunny days in July. The sun makes a difference for everything and everybody. I say I live here because it doesn’t get hot, true, but come on now, sun now and then is a good thing.

Day 162

Two of the brush piles are gone. Two to go and then I’ll create more. There will be at least one more pile from behind the rhody tree where I have stacked stuff for a couple of years. I want the clearing to be a metaphor for clearing my mind as the work is completed. Time to let go of the emotional roller coaster and put forth effort on living well. I have the tools and intention.

Day 161

Russell called again. He wanted to know if we had “taken proper care” of Kim. I was tempted to say, “Ah, we dumped his body down the cliff.” But resisted the urge. He has no right to ask anything. I answered briefly and hung up again. I will monitor my calls for a while. I do not want to speak to him. I can feel the sadness Russell caused his father. Aside from that, an OK day.

Day 160

I did a good job yesterday. Progress and moving along. Had a call from a medical group wanting to know where my son is. I told them. That’s the second call looking for him. Last night his son Russell called. He read about his dad’s death on Randy’s facebook page. He wanted to know why we hadn’t called him. I told him why. There was a long silence. I said good by and hung up the phone.

Day 159

Unfinished business interfered with sleeping last night. Today I have a list of errands and appointments that need to be done. I will get the appointment with Joan, call Pat Black about dinner, call the mortuary about the coroner’s report, finish distributing the Senior News downtown, and make an appointment with Doug at the police department. Then the clutter will move out of my mind and there will be room for something fun. I like keeping current.