Day 127

Senior News delivery day turns out as a social event. Most places where I leave copies develop into a chat. Yesterday I talked with the mother of a student who must be 40 by now. I remembered her Angel and it was another experience of longevity in the community. People holler from their cars, call me by name, and I realize that I have a place here. Place means connection and belonging. That is important to me.

Day 126

Yesterday I moved Megan’s strawberry photo from FaceBook to the blog. A first! I am getting the hang of using the computer in new and bolder ways. Now I need to conquer the problem of comments on the blog. Chris will help. Today is errands and preparation Kelle’s visit. She will be here tomorrow. I want to stock up on edibles that make interesting combinations and are open to herbs and spices. I’m suddenly excited about cooking.

Day 125

I’m loving Megan’s excitement about fixing fancy food. My cooking is plain and simple and I’m getting an itch to explore. It’s not as much fun without someone to share with. As long as I satisfy my hunger, that’s enough most of the time. I do add pesto to pasta dishes, and make eye filling stir-frys. Maybe there is hope for spicy interesting food to come. I can practice on Kelle while she visits. Megan is inspiring.

Day 124

To me a good day is one with interesting people and purposeful use of time and energy. Yesterday qualified. I like a day when I go to bed satisfied that I filled the above. The bonus was a long e-mail from my friend Cillay and a phone call from Hollie that she was home from her weekend with her BFFs. Now is the time for exercise and walking before the regular volunteer duties. Life is moving along again.

Day 123

Started the physical therapy exercises after more than two months of practically no exercise except for a couple of walks. I was surprised that I could remember how! The basic thing to remember is that the small of my back needs to be on the mat the whole time. That’s the core of the core conditioning. I enjoyed using my muscles and they responded well. I have added to my belly fat with the need for stuffing.

Day 122

Jon brought a lovely and thoughtful gift, a blue plate full of his fuchsias. One of each kind from his work-of-art yard. Fuchsias thrive in our climate and are easy to start from a branch taken and stuck in the ground. Some of Jon’s are from neighborhood bushes. Chris brings me plates from next door often, warm chocolate chip cookies, rhubarb muffins, even boeuf bourguignonne, and strawberry ice cream. I love my neighbors. I am so lucky.

Day 121

After two days alone and quiet it’s time to move again. It is too easy to stay in the comfort zone. It becomes a rut. Today I’m going to Brookings on a happy errand. The death errands are all finished and put away. Today I’m having lunch with friend Susanne and some serious recreational shopping. That’s the kind with no particular end in mind, just looking and planning. Might pick up plants for the newly vacated planters.

Day 120

The siren call of the comfort zone won. I walked by my chair several times in an effort to overcome the attraction and then succumbed. Ah, the fuzzy lap robe and two dogs provided shelter from a cold rainy day outside and a pile of house errands inside. Housework waits. The massage therapist said the stomach holds emotions. I have been stuffing food into mine. I want to move past that. I want to own my emotions.

Day 119

While my attention span is not whole yet, I see signs that my usual ability to focus on the present is coming back. The dithering and distracting take a toll on my energy and cause stress. Now that I can see how much I am returning to normal, I am grateful for the mind fog that help to blur the edges of loss and grief. Today I am noticing how much the peas and chard have grown.

Day 118

Today, another new day with potential for connections and satisfying activities. First, a walk with the dogs on a foggy morning with the edges of sight and sound blurred and ethereal. Then the senior center time with its duty of service and hospitality, followed by a massage for my needy body. I have two more prompts to finish for Kay Adams. I have turned the page on dwelling on Kim’s death and am moving on with living.

Day 117

Today had a beautiful beginning. The fog hanging in the trees brought a quietness that belongs exclusively to fog. Chris and I walked to the lighthouse with the couple, Christina and Ryan and four year old Kale. We scoped out the many places that are scenic and perfect for a wedding. We decided on the flat place at the edge of the cliff with the rocks and ocean in the background. A family was created by me.

Day 116

Walk the dogs, do senior center duty, spread chips from the tree so they can dry, train the peas up the netting, move. Yesterday I took care of errands that have been waiting for attention. It was catch up time for sure. Moved around some funds looking for more interest than the 32 cents a month from the bank. Yes, Moving, again, in my life. Looking forward and taking the time to express gratitude for absolutely everything.

Day 115

I pulled down the tree! Joe put a rope around the big branches at the top and gave me the rope. Hold tight and when I nod, pull. I did and down came the tree right where he said it would fall. Used muscles, helped with the project, felt good. My attention span is still spotty as is my memory. I know it will get back to normal with each new day. I am regaining my life.

Day 114

This morning the avocado tree comes down. The reason is safety for the fence and gate in the little house. Can’t have anything obscured. I took down the rock rose and the cedar tree to add to the chip pile. Things get overgrown before I notice. Now I have places to plant flowers or herbs and have an open space in the back and front yards. It feels very good to have plans and use muscles again.

Day 113

Still looking for a good day. I can make one by moving. Put on Huey Lewis and do something physical. Nobody is watching so it’s OK to look foolish. Need errands and shopping after a flat day. Not windy so the dog walk comes first. Then chase the dust bunnies out from under the bed and push the button on the washing machine. Sounds like an active day coming up. Maybe sort the papers on the table.

Day 112

Long walks with the dogs, long talks with good friends are helping me get grounded again. I would have bragged about yesterday except that I totally forgot my massage appointment until Sarah called. I have never in my long life missed any appointment so I guess the distracting fog is still hanging over my mind. Maybe the wind can blow the webs and crossed circuits away and give me focus. I need to have a good day.

Day 111

Checking out my focusing ability with Free Cell. I quit the first time. Simply could not see any moves. The next display I said to myself, Self, pay attention. It’s time to move the fog over and see what’s right in front of your nose. So I did. It’s been a month of bumping into walls and now it’s time to get busy with the present moment. Time to move, make plans, contact friends, write, live well.

Day 110

Watering the orchids takes focus. I don’t want to water some twice and leave others dry. Their bright blooms are uplifting. It’s hard to look into the face of an orchid and feel sad. They are truly magnificent, even if they are parasites! I had a low afternoon yesterday. Hard to pay attention at writers’ group. I know all this shock dithering has the purpose of distracting me from the reality of death. My senses aren’t ready.

Day 109

By paying attention to my posture and breathing, I feel able to stay in one place mentally for more than a minute. I did lose my house key yesterday on a walk to the post office. I have no idea how I lost it from the bag I was carrying. Trying to retrace the walk pointed out that my attention is still far from focused. Oh well, maybe today. I need to remember to breathe and breathe.

Day 108

Followed by a day of wandering around aimlessly like a house fly that doesn’t land on anything in particular. I’m so tired of forgetting why I went into a room and the double checking to see if I’ve forgotten anything else. Kim is at peace. Now I want my mind to gather itself up and focus on the here and now. I offered to write about my teaching career for Kay Adams to busy my grieving mind.

Day 107

Another sign that my mind is reaching working order: I shuffled the papers on my table. Sorted through them, tossed a couple of ads, and put the rest where they belong. Had a call to officiate at a light house wedding on the 20^th. A couple coming from Montana. That makes my day. There is a child so I get to create a family. Took the girls for a long walk. First time out. I’m getting there.

Day 106

Good day yesterday. Took care of business. Barbara likes the travel-at-home article, I asked for help to get the stuff out of my spare room, Kelle is coming to stay for a week, actually went to the store and remembered why I was there, had real conversations, and paid bills that have been unopened for days. Kim’s ashes are right here and that is really all that is left of my son. I believe that he’s gone.

Day 105

Still experiencing the bone-deep fatigue. Can’t get any spring in my step. I tried to fake it yesterday. Didn’t fool anybody. It’s better to just be who I am at this moment. The fog will lift when I can handle the reality of Kim’s death. I can say it but I’m not sure I believe it yet. The last time I went to the store I couldn’t remember why I was there. Just laughed and came home.

Day 104

I’m back in routine. Walked to the museum and gallery. I feel flat emotionally and there was no need to be social so it worked out well. It’s better to get out than sit here. Sleep is still broken and not restful. My mind is still grasping the fact that my son is dead. I’m not sure I believe it. I keep hearing that time will blur the sharp edges. Until then I will march in place.

Day 103

It was OK going back to the center. I like Tuesdays best because it is a small group due to the vegetarian menu. It is a quieter group. I chose Tuesday and Thursday because of the lower attendance and less noise. Some of my favorite people were there and I felt welcomed back. I told Roger that Kim died and he said that if Kim called him again, he would ask where he was. Made me laugh.

Day 102

And then I reverted to flat and irritable again. My reserves are empty. I am returning to the senior center for my duty at the desk. It’s been almost two months since I walked out and said I was not coming back. Then I rethought that. Maybe I’ll rethink it again. I chewed out a person yesterday for making a mistake. I am amazed at how fast a hot anger comes into my mind. Just not coping.

Day 101

Monday and a nice routine week shaping up. Hollie’s class today, senior center duty tomorrow and Thursday, museum and gallery on Wednesday and write a column for senior news on traveling at home. Calm insides, mind is clearing. I tested my focus by doing a crossword puzzle. Can’t do them when my mind is spinning. Kim’s death is a reality and his business is closed. We have plans for scattering his ashes near his Big Foot tree.

Day 100

I have been 77 for 100 days. I enjoyed the physical therapy exercises and was experiencing a boom in energy right up until I hurt my neck trying to see if my back was straight doing push-ups. I quit the duty at the Senior Center. Did the coupon class with Patty Abbey. It was fun. I tended my neck with ice and codeine. Lost time. Couldn’t drive. My son Kim was found dead. A shock. I grieve.

Day 99

The mind daze continues. Distributing the Senior News was a Chinese fire drill with hits and misses, retraced steps, having to have the routing sheet in my hand etc. Never had such an terrible experience. I feel for people who have such issues all the time. I am so exhausted that I may have another day without getting out of my jammies. Susanne took on the TV problem and fixed it. I could not cope with it.

Day 98

Whew. The worst is over and Hollie was a blessing. We did what we could to close Kim’s business. No help from the post office. The clerk was rude and didn’t give us any useful information. The other two, the power co. and the credit union were great helps. Now Kim’s ashes are at Hollie’s until we decide on a date to take them to

Walker Road

to his favorite redwood tree. Then peace to us all.