Day 97

Anxiety nightmare: late for school, dogs get out, can’t find one shoe, someone comes to the door for help, phone won’t work so I can call school, frantic, watching the clock as I am later and later. I know it’s about the duties today. Need to remember to breathe. Jeremy Taylor says when the dreamer can’t get help it means she is capable of dealing with the situation. I hope he is correct. I will know later.

Day 96

Regular day today, museum and gallery. I want to get back to doing the activities that I have chosen to do rather than the death duties that have been thrust upon me. Feels like a load with lift tomorrow when Hollie and I get the ashes and the death certificates and take care of closing Kim’s business. Then I can let go of the heaviness and I know I did all I could do. Let it go.

Day 95

95

I wish I had words for other events and I don’t. My mind flits and flounders trying to pay attention. Going to the store after three days alone was proof that I’m not functioning efficiently. I know that when the business is taken care of then I can calm my mind and all the what-ifs and whys. I want to get to the place where I can appreciate that Kim finally has the peace that he wanted.

Day 94

Short on words today. A sleep aid helped with a few hours of sustained sleep. My mind churns up the weirdest memories and I’m guessing I’m trying to get myself to believe that Kim is really gone forever. No progress on the final process. Don’t know if they took his body to Grant’s Pass yet. Don’t know about the death certificates and those are necessary for finishing business. I have done all that I’m capable of doing.

Day 93

I want some semblance of a normal day. Tinker and fiddle around. Pick things up, walk around, put them down. The best I can do. Go outside and look around at the world that is the same as it was when my son was alive. I need to tend to my body by mindfully choosing the best options for it: nourishing food, mild exercise, gratefully acknowledging its gifts to me, and wondering at its ability to renew.

Day 92

Did the above lack of activities. Not sure it helped. What did help was a call from long-time friend Cillay, supportive e-mails with Kelle, cherries from Chris, and knowing that I have a close community that share my grief. Today I need to move even if it’s just a walk around the block, maybe pull two weeds, anything that shows that I can focus for a few minutes. My restless mind can move in my restless body.

day 91

I made it through the day and managed to feel OK about my presentations. The kids enjoyed the lesson. On to Sarah for a massage and then early to bed. Today I am not taking off my jammies. May fill the bird feeders or not. My weary mind and body need to vegetate and regroup. May not even answer the phone. I don’t want anybody to want anything from me. Not even conversation. TV and lap dogs.

Day 90

The house is empty thanks to Daily Bread ministry who took everything. Now it can be cleaned. The rest of the business is unfinished and may be for some time. I am not sleeping well and don’t know that I have ever been this deeply tired. I have no energy to work with and today I am presenting an art lesson to six classrooms for Spring Art day at Hollie’s school. May the Force be with me.

Day 89

Fell short of my goal. The fatigue just wouldn’t let go. I did make two phone calls that didn’t produce help with removing Kim’s stuff. Maybe today my brain will kick in and come up with some alternatives. The work must be done and Hollie is right there with her help. Couldn’t do this without her. I crumble thinking about bagging up all the clothes and boxing up the kitchen. And it is my duty to Kim.

Day 88

I am bone weary. It has been more difficult than I ever imagined. The business of Kim’s death is straightening out and we seem to be on the closure part of the process. I’m wanting my mind to get back to focusing on the here and now. It keeps running off in all directions. Makes reading, writing and driving into hard work. Today I will make contacts to recover what stuff of Kim’s is useful to others.

Day 87

Long day coming .  A trip with Hollie to the dermatologist and finally get this thing taken off my chest. Off my chest. There are things I need to get off my chest too. Maybe write them, or say them. A visit with Megan to offload Kim’s books for her. Then home to go to Brookings and take care of the above duty. Go to Judy’s to pick up the videos and take a last look around.

Day 86

The complications will unravel soon. Hollie and I are going to the mortuary on Monday afternoon to sign papers. I convinced them that Russell could not be found and that makes me next of kin. Still need to go by his house and see what is left to be done there. I’m sorry that Randy reverted to his unwholesome self. I enjoyed the brief contact and was hopeful that he had changed. It is what it is.

Day 85

After this emotionally turbulent week, yesterday my jammies wouldn’t come off. Spent the whole day resting and still slept well last night. The stress is loosening so that I can focus better. It’s another beautiful day and I intend to be outside enjoying it. The dogs would enjoy a long walk. Maybe all the way to the park. There are still unfinished duties regarding Kim and they will be done soon. Life goes on. Do it well.

Day 84

Our visit to Kim’s house was productive, not only in cleaning some of the clutter, but in evaluating his life. It is a beautiful spot. Deer come and stay around in the flowers and trees. From the deck, Harbor is right there. He watched the tidal wave hit the boats. Inside, yes, evidence that a man with one hand is short on housekeeping skills, and the computer, books, music, and movies also show his life had substance.

Day 83

Interesting conversation with Randy about his view of Kim’s life. It was different from what Kim said about his relationship with his brother. Somewhere in the middle is probably the truth. I am glad that Randy has taken over the business part of his death. Today Hollie and I will go to Brookings to check out the house and visit with neighbor Judy who was an angel to Kim. It was a long sleepless night of memories.

Day 82

An unexpected occurrence – Brother Randy has stepped up to do the business of Kim’s death. Forgive me if I’m don’t trust his intentions. There have been too many suspicious doings. I am relieved to have him taking part. Our tiny family has been fractured for many years. I’m grateful for the three years of knowing Kim again. I’m grateful that Megan took time to connect with him. I’m trying to get used to him being gone forever.

Day 81

My son Kim is gone. His misery is over. He didn’t complain about the way his life played out, just did the best he could. He made jokes about using his useless hand to carry grocery bags. He was in pain both physically and mentally. He said all he wanted was peace. Now he has it. The demons and  ailments are gone and his spirit can fly like the airplanes he loved to fly on his computer.

Day 80

Ready for Monday. Routine day with some leftover chores from yesterday that I didn’t want to do. Feed orchids, sweep floors. Stuff that will wait until I get there. Another trip to the chiro for a good report. I’m not pain free and range of motion is still not up to par and better sleep helps. I might reconsider the senior center. I don’t want to stay home too many days in a row. It’s too easy.

Day 79

Mother’s day. Our family doesn’t keep Hallmark holidays. Any day I have time with my family is mother’s day. Their affection is a present. Don’t need tokens. The gift of a granddaughter has been precious. She is the reward for raising her mother to be a good woman. All day I will think about the days that my babies were born and wonder how the years have disappeared so fast. Oh, I have aged along with them.

Day 78

Scanning the horizon for possibilities. New day. Sun is shining. I want to move. Since the body is still in the process of healing the neck injury, I guess my mind will have to move. No art since it hurts to look down. No reading for the same reason. Meditate? Visualize? Make cloud pictures? Plan for the day when I don’t have a pain filter to contend with. Maybe phone a couple of friends. Or do nothing.

Day 77

77^th day of 77 words. Wish I had something deep and insightful to report for 77 days of my 77^th year on earth. I don’t. Changes since my birthday include exiting the senior center duty after six years. Burn out. I was about to go postal and tell a few people how I really feel. Finished physical therapy and then hurt myself and undid all the hard work. Oh well, there is lots of the year left.

Day 76

Now I have the column ready to send. I’m calling it a cautionary tale. If one reader takes it to heart I will have done what I want to do. Maybe I can shut the lid on my experience and let it go into the history file where it belongs. I cannot keep what-ifs and self-doubt in my mind. Caveat emptor. That is the end of it. I will take responsibility myself and hope for the best.

PS

This is a cautionary tale that began seven years ago.  My symptoms included: low pulse rate, shortness of breath, cold hands and feet, anxiety, skin disorders, and more. Doctors referred me to other doctors. I was placed in tubes, shot full of stuff that glows in the dark, ping- ponged back and forth between specialists without ever receiving a diagnosis. Meanwhile, every time I caught a cold, became over tired, or stressed, my health dropped a notch. I was slipping. Finally, my new health care provider actually listened to my story, paid attention to me and not just paper test results. She said would stick with me until we figured out what was causing my illness. I had heard that before and my face must have reflected that I wasn’t sure she meant it. “I mean it”, she said. A few days later, she called asking if she could share my story with another doctor. Sure. Anything that will help me before I fade out completely. Later that day, the phone rang and there it was, after seven years, the reason for my misery. It was beta blocker eye drops. The side effects were never described to me nor listed on the leaflet from the pharmacy, nor ever discussed with all the professionals I saw in those years. I looked on the computer, and there were the symptoms I had been living with all those years.

I’m a good patient. I want to be well. In spite of writing all my health history a dozen times over whenever I saw a new health care person, I listed my prescriptions, vitamins, everything medicinal I put in my body. None of those specialists noticed the eye drops, just sent me on. One cardiologist told me to work harder although my pulse was below normal and I could not work harder. One indicated that it was all in my head. I was not taken seriously nor was I examined in a way that made me feel that I had the attention of the medical person. I said about one visit that it could have been phoned in for I wasn’t sure the doctor even knew I was in the room.

If you pay attention to the television commercials for over-the-counter and prescription medications, chances are you are wondering if the list of serious side effects could happen to you. The pharmacy hands out a leaflet with your prescription. How many of us can even read the small print? Do we know if our pharmacist keeps a list of our medications and checks for interactions that may or may not be healthful? Do we check them out on the internet? Do we access to the internet and we computer literate?

 It’s our job to take responsibility for finding out just what we are taking and why. Ask questions. What result or reaction can I expect from taking this medicine? Are there any choices of medications? How long do I have to take it? When will I notice its effectiveness? It is our job to be sure we know and then follow the directions carefully. Doctors or hospitals may have a card that we can fill in with our medical history. We need to advocate for our own health. Caveat emptor.

Day 75

I read the draft of my column about the beta blocker experience to writing group yesterday and asked for help. I want to convey the need for taking responsibility when it comes to medical issues. Carol had a suggestion about how to arrange the piece: about my ordeal,  and about the reader asking questions instead of blindly popping pills. I want it useful and informative without blaming anyone or anger at the waste of time and energy.

Day 74

Another trip to the chiro that resulted in seeing stars. I want to get over this problem. It has run my life for two weeks. I am better this morning and, hopefully, tomorrow will be the last treatment and I can be pain free again. Then I can figure out what I want to do with my days. There is an ad for a message receptionist at the police station. May look into that. Or maybe not.

Day 73

My neck and the weather allowed for yard work yesterday. The sun was wonderful. The chard pot has lasted for a year and is gone. Time to start a new one. I yanked up a pile of weeds and helped the baby peas to find the mesh so they can grow up. Gave away a pile of lemons and green onions. I want to thrive like the garden with care and feeling. My restless mind needs newness

Day 72

No agenda today. Water the orchids and enjoy them. Want to write and nothing seems to blossom into words. I saw a prompt that asked to create a conversation between the Muse and the Critic. That sounds like it might break loose the dam of unwritten words, unripe words, desired words, all jammed into a bottle neck waiting for their turn to come into my mind. I’d like add to what I have written about living well.

Day 71

The insurance company is making medical decisions for me. They sent the oxygen company to give me a night oxygen level test so the insurance company can decide if I need the concentrator any longer. Now this is no vaginal probe but it still feels invasive to have a bean counter rather than my medical provider deciding about my health care. I know there are abuses of the system and I know I am a credible user.

Day 70

The Working Mouse, Danette, came to clean out my computer’s brain. She found that the Avast virus system is what was slowing everything down. Lots of unnecessary stuff is gone and she cleaned up the physical dust too. She said that XP will soon be obsolete and I will have to upgrade whether I want to or not. What’s true for me is that a computer is essential and I will go up when the time comes.

Day 69

The weather and the neck allowed for walking. It was a pleasant social day, the kind I like best: time with best friends like Gene and Chris. I bought a lottery ticket. Someone has to win it and I’m prepared with a great plan as soon as my numbers come up. Even a modest number of millions would do. I’m not greedy. This community could use a boost and that’s what I would do with the money.

Day 68

Better sleep. Ready for a real day, not one stuck inside with a pain in the neck. The dogs like it. They have a lap all day to snooze on. I’d rather be taking them for a walk. The rain washed pollen into the streets. Yellow lines show how far they traveled. It’s good for people with allergies. I get to go to the museum and the gallery today. I’ll sit in the front window and write.

Day 67

                                                                                

The chiropractor did a wrestling headlock yesterday that caused stars. I am modestly better but not well yet. I did manage to distribute over half of the senior news in spite of neck and rain. I like the job. It usually turns out social with stops where I know the people and swap howdies. I went to the senior center and had hugs and questions about why I am not coming any longer. I just said burn-out.